Betrayal, and the art of irresponsibility.

I don't know when I realized I was different from everyone else. I used to joke that what made me different was that i was so perfectly normal. Of course, at this point in my life i realize how absurd that really is.

The older I get, the more 'out there' I feel. And oddly enough (no pun intended) the more out there I feel I need to get to be free. To feel complete with myself and my world.

I think as I look back at things I've done, how they turned out and how they might have turned out, the answer becomes more clear. All my adventures started out innocently enough, full of all the usual promise and hope of a great life changing undertaking. But gradually, some thought or pressure of compliance kicks in. My dreams slowly get hijacked by thoughts of what I ought to be doing, and who I ought to be responsible for and to. And I fail. One after another all the same.

A creative brain can not be tethered to function properly and completely.

I think if I could look back and see that all these compromises culminated in some great career, or family life, or other serendipitous outcome, i could smile at all the silly detours and adventures. But always, I'm disappointed in myself, and my resolve to put my vision ahead of life's pressures. And always I come crashing back to a way of life that I do not fit in. Like a paddle ball smashing into the paddle; one wrist flick at a time.

And so now, after smashing into the paddle so many times, and feeling the rubber band stretching a little once more, I wonder if this is the time I stretch it a little too far? Is this the time that the rubber band breaks and i am no longer tethered to one head smashing fall to earth after another.

And if this be the time that I finally gain my freedom, if this be the time i soar with no rebound to fear, what does that mean? Will I be free? Or will i be as useless and lost as a paddle ball sans paddle?