Insisting

Peter Griffin in his death confession to his family claims that he didn't like the Godfather. Because it insists on itself. I knew exactly what he meant.

I find Meryl Streep, Tom Cruise, Nicholas Cage, and even Will Farrell to be actors that insist on themselves. You find that you must love them or appreciate them even if you don't buy into the characters they develop, just because of their craft, or intensity, or formulaic slapstick.

I also find many models to be this way. I've never been all that attracted to 'beautiful' women. It's the flaws that draw me in, that tell me something about them even if it's only in my imagination. Plastic. We all know modeling is a big production, but the most successful shots are the ones that capture something you could find in the girl next door. And if you find that girl next door, let me know cause I'm moving there.

So much of life insists on itself. It's the call and response of life. And I've never been too good at that. Stopping and asking 'why', is a poor choice. The reasons are seldom good. Soon, if you ask why enough, if you insist on things making sense, you learn that little does, and you find yourself in lock step with nothing, not even yourself.

I sense there is a next level to that journey. I see it as only one of two things, either pretending and joining in the insistent march, or go existential on the world and insist only on yourself and your next step and what makes sense to you.

I sense that insisting on a message from the universe to answer this will yield nothing.

Peter Griffin

Yeah, I think he's funny.

I think I want to be him.

How does one get himself animated??

I realise I haven't posted for a while. I am sorry. There are quite a few important things up in the air right now that I don't feel grounded enough to tend to this. In other words as the world is on hold I have nothing new to say. when it spins again, so will I.

A more serious look at pivotal points.

This is a tough subject. Only because the implication is that you have gone somewhere that you wouldn't have without these life shifts. The further implication is that where you've gone is somewhere better than you other wise would have been. It also seems like there should be direction and a hint of a path that emerges out of these pivotal points. I simply don't feel that way. With very few exceptions life has simply happened, and I've merely reacted. Usually wrongly. But mostly the choices I've made are choices to escape one situation or another. Were there some serendipitous outcomes? Sure, some great friends. No doubt, and for that I'm very lucky. It's hard to imagine having any hope without the example of the friends I'm lucky to have.

so without further ado, let's start the magical depressing journey.

I would say the first pivotal point would have been in first grade. I lived with my Mom and Step dad at the time. It was in 1969, my step dad had been two years back from Vietnam, and after having met my Mom at a local bar in Grand Rapids where she was a Go-Go dancer, they married. After a brief stop in Moorehead we ended up in my Step Dads hometown of Enderlin North Dakota. Pop 864 or something close to that.

Up until that point I wandered around in a fog, and even then I knew I was in a fog only being 6. I imagine the upheavals of divorce, and three moves and three schools in less than a year had kinda shut me down. But Enderlin was great, I had complete run of the town. It took several months but eventually I was engaged, had many friends and began to develop as a kid should. I've often thought that had I not come out of that fog, I would have ended up in jail, or institutionalized or worse, if there could be worse.

It was in Enderlin where I really became the public person I am today. Everything I think I offer positively to this world in terms of character started there. I often think, if I had a choice to remain there and give up everything else I'd ever receive or experience I'd do it. But as a kid you don't get to make those choices. They get made for you. And so, after the Step Dad ended up at the VA in St.Cloud for Alcohol addiction we made the move. Right after fourth grade we moved.

Pivotal point 2 at a later time.

New song

We fight - fight for days
we lie - in so many ways

No more, no more to say
and no more dreams, when I'm lying awake



It's who I am
that moves me on
that finds my shoes, and drops your hand

It's where I've been
and what I've known
that keeps me home



this night - could be too far
our best - is where we are
our scripted replies - our egg shelled feet
the middle ground - where we can't meet
You might scream, and you might swear
we could retreat, we could "go there"

It's who I am
that moves me on
that finds my shoes, and drops your hand
It's where I've been
and what I've known
That keeps me home

When you need to go, you're stuck and such, what do you do?
The energy that's pulling me and telling me find something new.
I can't believe this is what God meant for me
like the peaceful things, the rooted things that seem strange to me.

It's who I am
that moves me on
that finds my shoes, and drops your hand
It's where I've been
and what I've known
that keeps me home
It's this restless need
to find some peace
to find that love
that gets to me
that keeps me from you,
and you from me
and traps the love that we both need.