Poem

TT bought me an Xmas book because he thought I needed to write better lyrics. So the first two exercises were on object writing and metaphors. I didn't do them, but I thought about them and on my way home I wandered into working up this metaphor and incorporated some aspects from the object writing exercise. I don't write poetry, I think the last poem I wrote was over 20 years ago but that's what I got here. Lyric writing feels like giving life to an idea, poetry writing feels like ripping the flesh off something to get to the bones. Not as much fun. But here you are.

The winds of........
howl through my memories and 'to be's'
Whistling more lonesome than the voices of
Rocks and rooted things
burdensome and gnarled beneath.

and i,
tumbled,
grit toothed and hunkered....
trusting

Collaboration #2

Friday nights writing session birthed this song as well. We only had the first verse and chorus and the concept for the bridge. But we had the structure and music mostly complete. Great work by Mark filling out the structure making it work.

As the comment by TT suggests, an MP3 file might be nice. but at this point not possible. On my list of future personal splurges is a micro studio so I can record these things. And I do desperately need to do that. I forget the music rather quickly after i write them. Then they're gone, I rarely revive them after I've forgotten them. I think I have mark talked into buying one for himself, then I'll at least get a couple down in digital.


She stares out the window
thinks of better days
starring out the window
she's miles away.

I don't know what's on her mind
No, i don't know what's on her mind

Little girls have their Princes
and white knights ride their way
So much wasted time,
ogres get in the way.

and she can't talk about it
she wouldn't cut like that
I turn everything upside down,
except her frown.

I don't know what's on her mind
No, I don't know what's on her mind.
I don't know what's on her mind.

How can i talk to her,
what could i say?
should i just pack my bags,
Just go away?

Ogres have dreams too,
they just start with you,
when your dreams come true...
...and you're still with me...

(break)

I don't know what's on her mind
No, I don't know what's on her mind
I don't know whats on her mind


she stares out the window,
thinks of better days...

http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_3246955

Collaboration

I went over to my good friend Mark's house last night. He wanted to write a song. That usually means he as a song pretty much done and needs a little help finishing it. Which is fine.

What I most enjoy in this ugly little life is helping other people achieve things. It means way more than to me than anything I could achieve for myself. Collaboration, to that point suits me well.

When we're talking lyrics and music it particularly suits me because I'm usually pretty decent at the hook which is what seems to stump most would be writers.

so without further ado:

Take some time to remember
take some time to reflect
people places and my past
Dreams I haven't seen yet

Sometimes i wonder
Where I might be
Different paths chosen
Things I might've done, might've seen

life takes you over, this I know

keeps rollin', faster than I wanna go
I can't hold on
some dreams are better left behind
I thank god
I held on to better things - better things

Dreams of a young man
fast cars and roads that never end
sky so big you wish you could fly
back seats, you and I

guitar riffs, songs to play
up the charts, maybe all the way
but a life growing here with you
was bigger than any stage i could play

life takes you over, this I know

keeps rollin', faster than I wanna go
I can't hold on
some dreams, better left behind
I thank god
I held on to better things, better things.

http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_3597786

Insisting

Peter Griffin in his death confession to his family claims that he didn't like the Godfather. Because it insists on itself. I knew exactly what he meant.

I find Meryl Streep, Tom Cruise, Nicholas Cage, and even Will Farrell to be actors that insist on themselves. You find that you must love them or appreciate them even if you don't buy into the characters they develop, just because of their craft, or intensity, or formulaic slapstick.

I also find many models to be this way. I've never been all that attracted to 'beautiful' women. It's the flaws that draw me in, that tell me something about them even if it's only in my imagination. Plastic. We all know modeling is a big production, but the most successful shots are the ones that capture something you could find in the girl next door. And if you find that girl next door, let me know cause I'm moving there.

So much of life insists on itself. It's the call and response of life. And I've never been too good at that. Stopping and asking 'why', is a poor choice. The reasons are seldom good. Soon, if you ask why enough, if you insist on things making sense, you learn that little does, and you find yourself in lock step with nothing, not even yourself.

I sense there is a next level to that journey. I see it as only one of two things, either pretending and joining in the insistent march, or go existential on the world and insist only on yourself and your next step and what makes sense to you.

I sense that insisting on a message from the universe to answer this will yield nothing.

Peter Griffin

Yeah, I think he's funny.

I think I want to be him.

How does one get himself animated??

I realise I haven't posted for a while. I am sorry. There are quite a few important things up in the air right now that I don't feel grounded enough to tend to this. In other words as the world is on hold I have nothing new to say. when it spins again, so will I.

A more serious look at pivotal points.

This is a tough subject. Only because the implication is that you have gone somewhere that you wouldn't have without these life shifts. The further implication is that where you've gone is somewhere better than you other wise would have been. It also seems like there should be direction and a hint of a path that emerges out of these pivotal points. I simply don't feel that way. With very few exceptions life has simply happened, and I've merely reacted. Usually wrongly. But mostly the choices I've made are choices to escape one situation or another. Were there some serendipitous outcomes? Sure, some great friends. No doubt, and for that I'm very lucky. It's hard to imagine having any hope without the example of the friends I'm lucky to have.

so without further ado, let's start the magical depressing journey.

I would say the first pivotal point would have been in first grade. I lived with my Mom and Step dad at the time. It was in 1969, my step dad had been two years back from Vietnam, and after having met my Mom at a local bar in Grand Rapids where she was a Go-Go dancer, they married. After a brief stop in Moorehead we ended up in my Step Dads hometown of Enderlin North Dakota. Pop 864 or something close to that.

Up until that point I wandered around in a fog, and even then I knew I was in a fog only being 6. I imagine the upheavals of divorce, and three moves and three schools in less than a year had kinda shut me down. But Enderlin was great, I had complete run of the town. It took several months but eventually I was engaged, had many friends and began to develop as a kid should. I've often thought that had I not come out of that fog, I would have ended up in jail, or institutionalized or worse, if there could be worse.

It was in Enderlin where I really became the public person I am today. Everything I think I offer positively to this world in terms of character started there. I often think, if I had a choice to remain there and give up everything else I'd ever receive or experience I'd do it. But as a kid you don't get to make those choices. They get made for you. And so, after the Step Dad ended up at the VA in St.Cloud for Alcohol addiction we made the move. Right after fourth grade we moved.

Pivotal point 2 at a later time.

New song

We fight - fight for days
we lie - in so many ways

No more, no more to say
and no more dreams, when I'm lying awake



It's who I am
that moves me on
that finds my shoes, and drops your hand

It's where I've been
and what I've known
that keeps me home



this night - could be too far
our best - is where we are
our scripted replies - our egg shelled feet
the middle ground - where we can't meet
You might scream, and you might swear
we could retreat, we could "go there"

It's who I am
that moves me on
that finds my shoes, and drops your hand
It's where I've been
and what I've known
That keeps me home

When you need to go, you're stuck and such, what do you do?
The energy that's pulling me and telling me find something new.
I can't believe this is what God meant for me
like the peaceful things, the rooted things that seem strange to me.

It's who I am
that moves me on
that finds my shoes, and drops your hand
It's where I've been
and what I've known
that keeps me home
It's this restless need
to find some peace
to find that love
that gets to me
that keeps me from you,
and you from me
and traps the love that we both need.

Pivotal points

And so the question goes around, "what are the pivotal points in you life"?

for me there is only one. It occured about 45 and a half years ago or so. I was born and I made that fateful decision to take my first breath. It's been all down hill since then.

Cut Here

So I've added a new lyrics of the week. It's another Cure song entitled, 'Cut Here'. I like how he takes something fairly simple and makes it interesting. It's also a nice explorations of the choices we make, how we prioritize, and possible futures we leave behind.

I think on the flip side if you turn it upside down; what do you give up by not making the hard choices? I'll explain lest I seem esoteric. All of life is making choices. You always give up something. In this case he gave up a potential relationship for his career. But if he had made the other choice, if he is truly an artist he would have given up the true essence of who he is. So while he laments the lost possibility bigger ones await because he made this hard choice. Avoiding a tough choice is the same as making one, and you give something up there too. I think too often we give up things that are best for us for things that harm us. And in the end everybody has less.

The hardest thing to do is to remove the invisible binds, to cut the cord. You have a place where you fit in everybody else's existence. And they'll demand that you occupy that space whether it's right for you or not. So changing, trying to be a more perfect you, pisses a lot of people off at a subconscious level. It makes the world not feel right for them.

Family's strike the worst bargains. What they expect from you, what they demand you give up is the essence of who your are. They detest growth, they don't allow for metamorphosing. They'll deny you your potential for what is comfy for them. Even if they don't like you. They are quite unhappy about you making changes. Upsets the apple cart, threatens the pecking order, orphans their jokes which you are the butt of. Yet, perhaps as cruel as they can be in this regard, it is this payment in soul that you are most willing to pay for the demands of blood binds.

The sadness in this is that, if you ignore them and grow in spite of their efforts to keep you as you were, in the end everybody is happier, and better off for your actions. When time has elapsed, and they give up on the notion that the old you will return, they will make a new place for you if you want it. And if you don't, then it is a sign you made a very good choice. You should be who you are, no matter who the audience. It's for everybody's good.

And so either way you may pay a price. Maintaining status quo, preserving comfort in the place others have for you, you give up a bigger better you. But by making the effort to be you, by cutting those binds you gain more and in the end build a new structure that is more appropriate for you and a much richer life for those in your life.

Weird night

Last night was weird, all night I kept waking up with Oliver, the schnoodle laying right by my head. I could have sworn he was whispering to me, but of course as soon as I woke up, nothing.

Anyway, I've got this incredible urge for Reese's peanut butter cups with caramel. Is there even such a thing? I was thinking of heading out tonight maybe do some window shopping, I think I might just stop at a store and see if they have such a thing. What a strange craving to have, I don't normally crave sweets like that, for me it's ice cream and cookies.

Later.

Schnoodle Here

Hey, just thought I'd check out what the fat guy writes on this thing. Lame-00. Obviously it's your first time reading this blog, who'd read it twice?? Oh man I got a good gig here. Do what ever I want. The fat guy works for me.

Guess what I got him doing now? Picking up poop!! Yep, that's right, he's got a bunch of paper towels and he's picking up poop...MY poop. That's fuckin' hilarious. Yeah, he came home from making some dough to buy MY puppy chow, thought he'd sit down and type on this here laptop before he took me out for a walk. so I dropped a couple of turds by the door. yeah, next time he'll pay attention...fat bastard.

God, he's whacked. He eats everything. You wouldn't frikken believe it. I even have to growl at him to make sure he doesn't eat my puppy chow. Do you believe it? I let him eat everything else, and I mean everything, and he still wants my damn chow. I made him work hard for that. He ain't getting none.

OOh, he's coming back, must be done pickin up the feces. Heh, I think I'll go confiscate one of his squeaky balls. He hates that, I bite him when he tries to get one. I don't really want the ball, I just like biting him.

Later,

The Schnoodle.

They're trying to kill me, or it all started with one piece of Peach Pie.

Well, I've been having a difficult time getting back on the diet. Not that I'm off of it, but I'm not quite good enough to lose weight.

It all started two weeks ago. As you may recall my post about the evils of too much sauerkraut, well that very same night I also had a piece of peach pie ala mode. Since then I've been craving carbs constantly.

I know the feeling would go away within two or three days if I simply got back on my diet but it's tough. I actually did OK getting back on the carb horse but then a night out with the buddies ended with a piece of hot fudge drenched chocolate cake. Yummm. I haven't had a truly lo-carb day since. I haven't gorged on carbs either but man what I would do for New York Double Fudge Chunk. B&J.

This is the normal trials of any diet. The key is getting back to it before you give it all back. Wish me luck, and for heavens sake don't offer me any dessert!!

Yesterday

When I was a kid one of my first favorite songs was Yesterday by the Beatles.

I like different lyrics for different reasons. Highly creative, story telling, painting pictures, all reasons i like songs. But some songs are just perfect in their simplicity. Yesterday is very straight forward with one very little hook. Yet it's one of the greatest songs of all time.

So it will be my lyrics of the week.

Esoteric he said.

I've been informed that my blogging becomes esoteric at times. I don't really know what that means. It's a word I've heard thrown around, I've avoided it's use because I don't fully understand it. It seems like it's one of those words that really can only be properly used by a select group of people with more knowledge of such things than myself.

I think perhaps that at times my writing can be a little abstruse, maybe inane, well mostly inane, but I don't know about esoteric. So what about my blogging becomes a little hard to easily grasp, a little one offish? I don't know.

I think perhaps as one ponders the mysteries of decay angst gains direction. What really are the choices. What do we do with that angst? Do we repackage it in a facade of contentment? And so I search, and I study, and I write. And writing like all art comes from thought and feeling. Anger, frustration, desire and ideas, sometimes having nothing to do with one another

Were I skilled perhaps each word like an artists brush stroke would be precise. But as I deal with malformed imperfection tubes are squeezed, canvas is blotted and paint pushed this way and that as I try and transfer this feeling to media. But truth be told, the clearer the picture, the less truthful the translation.

And so I sit, putting together a life with pieces from discarded puzzles. There is much to consider, mostly muddled, mostly thoughts smashed together trying to fit together what wasn't meant to fit. And the art of it all should be obscure, abstruse and maybe esoteric if it is to be truthful.

Birthing

I've heard that writing, or creating anything for that matter is a bit like giving birth. First there's that glorious night of sex, when the project is set into motion. Pure excitement, no motivation needed. What's inside comes out and you don't care what it looks like:-)

But then you enter the rewrite, reworking phase. Just like the pregnancy. Some people like this phase, they glow. This incubation period has always been painful to me. Constant barfing and discomfort. And then of course if you nurture the little beast properly and take care for proper prenatal care, soon enough a finished product. You're then free to spawn another terror.

Luckily for me, in my writing I've been supplied with a never ending supply of morning after pills.

and thats all I have to say about that

If you were born tomorrow, would you give your life to yourself?

Would you build a house and then sleep in the yard?
would you buy new clothes and then go to work naked with those clothes draped over one arm?
would you toss your new groceries into the trash?

Maybe.

And maybe I'll go to work tomorrow.

Of course I will.

I always do.

Too much sauerkraut, not good.

What a world. What a world.

Lucky for me I've been too broke since the divorce to be in the stock market. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your future slowly evaporate. I had hoped that I would turn the financial corner at some point and catch up with the rest of my generation. But now I see that they will be brought down to me.

So, I cheated again. I've actually been out running a couple of times. Not very far, maybe a half mile. Just wanted to limber up in anticipation of my inevitable resumption. Two more weeks I should be there. It felt good to actually get some exercise. Not while I was doing it, but you know, after...way after.

So, I've been very uncreative. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Not unmotivated, just not wanting to create something new. I've been playing a lot of guitar. Fingers are coming back quite nicely, although plenty sore.

I think I'm just getting rather comfy in my new settings. I'm really just feeling OK with just being right now. and I think that's OK. Waiting for the mood to strike. The inspiration. I know it's coming I can feel it. And so I'll just ground myself a bit and let it take hold. I don't know what will happen then, nothing major, but something.

If you pay attention to the right hand column you'll see that I snuck a quick read in. A book I didn't know I had. Imagine that. Written in 1987, it's kinda this new age, existential thing. The main points were in support of some of the things I've been writing and talking about. When you're open to the message, you'll hear it right? Basically, the idea was that you need to find out what the essence of yourself is, and then self actualize based on that model. That's a rather severe paraphrasing but you get the point. I think for me, and for a lot of people, its rather difficult to find a way to express your true nature. It's through that expression that you can create an avenue to self actualize. This is what I'm thinking about, how to get engaged in things that reflect who I am. For too long, what I'm best at, and what I have most to offer this world has been closed off to me. My own fault sure, but just as I created my own universe it's within my power to change it too, don't you think.

So something key, at least for me, is to seek out the first step while ignoring searching for a path. Just do something that fits, even small.

An excerpt from "Remember Your Essence" by Paul Williams:

Take the first step
the first step is always perfect
as long as you are ready to take the step that follows it
Only by taking the first step
can you take the step that follows it.

and another:

in this life
we find our way
by following each step with another

Take a step
and follow it

If you start to see a path emerging,
Ignore it.

Do not follow a path
follow your own footprints
your path will create itself

Schnoodle Update

Well the Apple Cider Vinegar rinse worked quite well. He is just now starting to itch again. I'll give him another rinse this weekend. The snout thing seems to have diminished. I've been putting a splash of ACV in his drinking water. I'll keep you posted.

I had a little athletes foot. Soaked my feet in a 2-1 solution of ACV. Nice. How cheap was that cure. I'm sure I'll have to do it again. I have noticed other positive skin changes though, so I think the Lo-Carb is starting to have an over-all effect. Having been through his twice before I kinda know what to expect.

You know, my feet haven't felt as comfy and healthy at anytime in my adult years as they did when I took them out of the solution. When I rubbed then to work the solution in the top dead layer of skin (or something I don't want to think about) crumbled off. It was kinda cool. Seems like a nice environment for fungus to live in. Makes me wonder about taking a bath in the stuff. I don't have a bathtub, anyone want to volunteer their tub to me for an evening?

The more reading I do about the three (lo-carb, fungal, and PH) the more disturbed I am about our current medical ideology. I'm really losing trust in them, and at the same time don't feel qualified to continue to do my own diagnostics. But I feel I'm being left with no other choice.

Even the last problem I gave the Doc credit for, returned just like the reading I've done said it would. Luckily as quickly as it reappeared it left again as my other home remedies began kicking in. The real problem is that based on some reading I've done you can go too far. balance is the key. Luckily I'm fat enough where I've got a long way to go before I have to worry about that, but how would I negotiate that situation when it occurs. the Lo-carb solution simply slides you to maintenance, I suppose that's good enough.

But what if something major comes up. I no longer trust the medical industry. what do I do then? Hopefully that's far enough off some changes may occur by then.

What I learned this weekend.

I learned that forgetting that I love pizza is just a little bit harder than eating a whole pizza.

Actually, it's been an educational weekend. I spent considerable time trying to make more sense out of the fungal thing, and tried to apply what I learned to my dog. I tried to teach him but he seemed uninterested. It just goes to show that people and dogs don't really want what's best for them. So anyway, it turns out that apple cider vinegar is effective for ear infections in dogs. So I scrubbed his ears out, gave him a bath and then gave him a final rinse of diluted Apple cider vinegar. He hates me.

The initial reaction is quite good. He's not itching, although still scratching at his snout. The online suggestions were to give him a small does with his water daily. We'll see how that goes.

So why apple cider vinegar. How the heck does that work. Apparently it's all in the PH. Most of the reading I've done suggests that the natural skin PH is a little acidic and adding the vinegar brings it back closer to balance making it more likely that the body will be able to naturally reject the fungal growth. I disagree with that.

It goes against what I've been reading about fungal growth, most notably that an alkaline environment is lethal to fungus. So why the vinegar? One guy had the answer. Apparently the vinegar dissipates. What's important isn't necessarily the ph of the liquid but the PH of the residue. Regular vinegar all dissipates having no effect, but apple cider vinegar leaves behind an ash. Ash is a base. Tricky how that works.

I've learned alot about the power of Ph and excess carohydrates in the diet this weekend. From different angles. What's kinda funny is that if you look at it all they all work together quite wonderfully, but yet there doesn't seem to be a cohesive approach.

Cancer cells, viral cells and fungal cells are more plant like than animal. The inter-realtion seems obvious. All factions are finding similar cures, or aids and yet no one has quite brought it all together. Doug Kaufmann is probably the closest but he's more of a town crier than researcher.

It would seem that a targeted carb consumption with PH monitoring would be advisable.

I've suffered a big loss.

OK I didn't suffer one, but I did have one. I've been on the Lo-carb diet twice. I've lost 50lbs twice and am going for a third time. Outside of the initial week where you typically lose between 6-10 pounds and weeks following big puff ups from feasting (aka thanksgiving) I've never lost more than three pounds in a one week period. This week I lost four. Count 'em: one, two, three and four.

I'm not sure why but I'll take it.

Grape seed extract is not a fungicide, apparently it does something with removal of junk from your body. the book said it was a good idea. I bought it and now I'm going to use them up.

The psyllium hulls if not consumed relatively quickly will turn into a Cream of Wheat mess that is not very palatable. So, drink quickly, I still have to gag that stuff down. But I'll stick to that as well.

I did do the unthinkable and have indeed started my second book of the year. so far it is fascinating.

Going to do it.

So having finished the Fungus book, I am going to follow it's diet for a couple of weeks or until the supplements are gone. I'm already on the Lo-Carb and so the transition is relatively easy. I bought some Psyllium hulls, which if you can imagine is like the seeds from strawberries. I have to put it in some liquid mixture and drink it. It doesn't taste bad but it gags you a bit because it's like drinking sandy water. The natural inclination is to spit it out. I also bought some Grape Seed Extract. I think it's a natural fungicide. And then I bought some garlic and a garlic press. That's suppose to be a natural fungicide plus I like cooking with garlic. Not that I really know how.

I take some of it back. It apparently expands and so it might be wise to drink it quickly. Does it do that inside?!! eesh!!

I'm a little worried about the Psyllium. I don't like messing with the poop factory, it's been working quite well lately. You know if it works why mess with it. But supposedly if you're going to kill the fungus you need to remove it as quickly as possible or you're going to have a worsening before you feel better. Supposedly this helps.

One interesting thing I learned about fungus is that alot of the damage is done by the toxins given off by the fungus rather than by the fungus itself. That means that symptoms can show up in areas not really infected. Skin reactions are like that.

The Lo-Carb is really kicking in. I have avoided any temptations and finally am getting a few weeks without having an off day. The diet is forgiving in that a bad day merely keeps you from losing but doesn't result in gaining either. I've had about five weeks where I was good but a family function on the weekend nullified my efforts. So as I get closer to my first target weight whereupon I reward myself with a running regimen, I'm starting to get a little excited. Three weeks I figure and I'm there. I think I just dropped five pounds in the last two weeks. I need seven more for my first goal. Actually, at that point I'll be half way to my total goal. Which theoretically I could get to in about 15 weeks. But the holidays are quickly approaching. So maybe about 20 weeks. Five months....by March. Just in time for spring!!

I've always plateaued at 180. But truth be told, my diet lost it's restrictiveness well before I stopped losing. Maybe I'll try to maintain the weight loss and push it lower. If I do, I may add an item to my bucket list. I've been thinking of Grandmas marathon. I think I might want to run it again, if I can. The last time I got down to 180 I was able to run three miles at a seven minute mile clip. Not too bad for an old guy, but a six mile run was hell on the legs, laid me up for a week. So I think, if I truly want to make it 26 miles I would need to drop down to under 150. That's a long way to go. Which is why I am not adding it to my otherwise empty bucket list.

Did I mention that the folks running our country are all a bunch of big fat idiots? And I mean that in the most non-threatening way.

I'm flirting.

I finished the fungus book. It's very disturbing. I already found it relatively difficult to trust the wisdom of the AMA, and now it may be impossible. I feel very sorry for family practitioners and the people that die under their care because they just have to toe the line.

But I've got a little more than eleven months to figure out what book I'll read next year. I've been fondling one a little bit more than others. Could it be possible that I'll actually read two books this year? I've got this book called, "Life with Picasso". It seems very interesting. if anyone has read it, let me know if it's a wise choice. It seems like a book that's destined to be half read. I bet I know the ending anyway.

Spectator days.

My beloved Twins are in the last week of their season and sitting a half a game out of first.
My Beloved Gophers are 4-0 getting ready to beat the impossible buckeyes.
My beloved US economy is foreshadowing Depression.

And my fingers hurt.

All these things that have my attention and I have nothing to say. I guess when history is presenting itself it's best to participate or pay attention. Why miss it.

inspiration at work

In honor of today and my lack of unpreparedness I wrote a song. Here's the lyrics for your reading pleasure. possibly another verse to come.

edit note: couldn't make that bridge work, revised.

Movin Along

That's how it goes
Seems like everyone sings your song
but i should know
nothin stays that way for very long
It's a feeling that comes
It's a feeling that goes
People that go
you still should know

Movin along
Movin along

Once upon a times
and futures long ago
reminds me of
smiles
goodbyes
and show and tells
I might get surprised
might get criticized
but what can you say to those
you didn't know well...
enough

Movin along
movin along.

Lost bedroom eyes and low high fives
skinny dippers that turned to wives
flowered days in blues and grays
forever friends that just didn't stay
maybe it's all OK
we're all just

movin on
movin on

Play time.

Well it was a nice weekend. Went to a party, seen a friend I hadn't seen since high school (a long time ago), got a little cleaning done, figured out a little html on the blog, and did a little jamming with a new friend.

The party was nice. I enjoy spending time with old friends. Most of the group was people I don't know, and unlikely to get to know. But one thing struck me, more of a reminder of something I already knew, people are far more interesting when they are trying not to be. It's the small differences in our similarities that are far more interesting to me than the our bigger uniquenesses that we sometimes work to hard to draw attention to.


For those unacquainted with my music background, I was a bass player in a previous life. Pretty decent at it but continually sidetracked by bigger and better plans. So most of my collaborations involved me with a bass in hand and lyrics on the table. So jamming with guitar is a relatively new thing for me. And I must say a bit different. What did I learn? I'll tell you what I learned. Unlike the bass where you have instant value just showing up, with guitar you have to bring a little something to the table. Essentially because I had not been playing regularly until relatively recently I don't have any in-progress stuff. And building a songbook of guitar faves to entertain the world with has never been my thing. I'll do better next time or maybe buy a small bass amp and bring the bass instead. but it was a great way to slide back into the whole musician thing relatively painlessly. I have to thank my wonderful host for that. Great coffee too.

Different experiences have different lessons. The past few weeks have been more an unveiling of what is possible. This week more of a reminder of where I'm at. A good thing, as it's becoming clearer and clearer what I might want to do with the rest of this life. Key word being might. Life is always in progress, more so now than most times.

Road blocks.

Sometimes road blocks just evaporate.

I've been sitting on this writing project for three years. Mostly out of lack of motivation, but I was also stymied by how to navigate the timeline of the story. I also had a problem with the ending that seemed inevitable. It was just too depressing to support what should be a more uplifting revelation. Both, with one page of writing simply evaporated. amazing what happens when you simply just start moving.

Now, I'm not saying I'll actually resume the project. As I may have stated I'm pretty much against planning my inspiration. It takes all the fun out. And it's all about happiness dammit!!

Robert Smith

Some brains just work on another level. I've always marveled at the Cure, but lyrics like this are amazing:

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say
I just can't sit here every yesterday
Like keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
let me wait to smile
Forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this
Any more than this

Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you do
I know I'll never really get inside of you
To make your eyes catch fire
The way they should
The way the blue could pull me in
If they only would
If they only would

At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else
That hides away
For me and you:
they're worlds to part
With aching looks and breaking hearts
And all the plans your hands can make
Oh I just take as much as you can throw
And then I'll throw it all away
and then I'll throw it all away
Like throwing faces at the sky
Like throwing arms roundYesterday
I stood and staredWide-eyed in front of you
And the face I saw looked back
The way I wanted to
But I just can't hold my tears away
The way you do

Elise believe I never wanted this
I thought this time
I'd keep all of my promises
I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about
But I let the dream go
And the promises broke
And the make-believe ran out...

So EliseIt doesn't matter what you say
I just can't stay here every yesterday
Like keep on acting out the same
The way we act out
let me wait to smile
Forget
And make-believe we never needed
Any more than this
Any more than this

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand
As fast as I pick it up
It runs away through my clutching hands
But there's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing elseI can really do
At all...

ideas

Here's something I wrote (for those of you who thought I'd never get around to it) as part of a bigger project (fiction for those of you trying to read something dark and evil into this). Trying to solve a problem of flashbacks and working on character development all at the same time.

The day we met.

You know how sometimes you can feel someone’s presence. You sense someone staring at you, you look up and sure enough… Sometimes it’s so strong that you know your life is about to change. That’s how it was on the day we met.
I was downstairs in the bar of the hotel the band was staying in, Holiday Inn maybe. I was writing something, a set of lyrics, or something. And I literally felt the room change. I looked up and reflecting in a bar mirror on the wall I saw you walk in. I had never seen anything like you before. I’d seen beautiful women, it was a perk of being a musician, but never with the confidence that you had. Jet black hair, denim, softness and confidence, I was defenseless and you walked by me slowly, and you had me.
I watched you then, studied the way you moved. Watched you interact with the bartender. Watched your fingers work the label of the beer bottle, slowly peeling it away. Watched you watch me…watching you.
I was nervous. The connection between us was evident, what to do about it not so obvious. And just when I thought I’d be forced into some lame awkward attempt at a line you walked right to me and sat down.
I remember the first words we spoke. You, “You know, you’re kinda easy to track down”, me, “didn’t know I was supposed to be hiding.” And then that smile, a smirk really, which I’ve come to know well. With that cute little smirk and all its nuances, you could say a thousand different things with the slightest change of a lip or tilt of the head.
I knew my life had just changed, I just didn’t know how much. Everything I had looked for was right there, yet I had no control. Even then I knew your life was your own, and what you might share with me I had little power over. I didn’t know if your life was brushing by mine in a magical fleeting moment; inspiration for song. I certainly didn’t know this moment would lead me here so many years later, telling the story of our life.

You first.

Back when I was a kid, somehow we would find our way to a swimming hole in May. Maybe just a little ahead of schedule. It was cold. That's cold with a capital brrr. We'd be standing on the end of the dock daring each other to be the first ones in. We knew a shock awaited, and we also knew a blast would be had by all. Yet there we stood knees slightly flexed in athletic anticipation of jumping while at the same time perhaps not quite close enough to the edge, and footing secure enough to defend against a surprise attack push. Always, it ended up with a compromise. "You first.", "no you go" "OK, wait, on three... One....two....thr.....sucker!! "

Sooner or later we are all in the water, the initial shiver calmed by play and good times never to be equaled in adult years. Worth the shock of the cold. Always worth the effort.

And so the games go into adult hood. Except we play them with ourselves. We know that good outcomes are to be paid for. They all take effort and good choices. And if we suffer that initial shock, if we take that plunge, the journey's almost always worth it. Yet we hesitate well beyond jumping time. We push off our health, love, finances, everything. So much time lost not splashing in the water.

Why are we like that? We know life will be better skinnier, stronger, with more cash in the wallet, with the right partner. Often times, when you break things down to the simplest elements the truth reveals itself. The bottom line is we don't believe in the payoff.

Let's say your life consists of wallowing in shit. Now you get skinnier, add some nice muscle tone, become financially healthy. But still your life consists of wallowing in shit. You're better but your life isn't.

I think for most people life is just something that happens to them. They feel they have little control over their environment. They may improve, but life's circumstances seem beyond their control. And so when diets present themselves, paying down debt, breaking up with the wrong person, or asking out the right person, what's the payoff. Maybe everything, but to many people I think the truth barely submerged in their subconscious is that nothing will change. The fear in starting is that there is only shock and no play time.

Yet, other people never stop playing. Their environment is their playground. They've dictated how they interact, and what benefits come back to them. They jumped in once, and never got out. And if they did it was only to run down the dock and jump in again.

Weather above.

Well had a nice trip up north this weekend for an extended family B-Day party. It was nice to make it up there. I really enjoy spending time with those weirdos. Sadly, many were sick. The sixteen year old came down with it. she was over it in two days. I have now come down with it. I'm on day two. It has settled in my throat. Oddly, below the voice box so I haven't developed any croaking abilities. But that's the spot that seems prone to developing into Bronchitis. So, hopefully that doesn't happen.

I have a party on Saturday and a songwriting/jam session on Monday. I'm hopeful to make both, but I won't bring this bug to anyone but co-workers who deserve it anyway. So anyway, I'm a little under the weather and suffering from an unusual lack of creativity. Along with that I've had an annoying run of minor bad Karma. but I believe I'm through that so expect better blogging in the days ahead.

update: doctor 2, schnoodler zero. Bastard. However, in my defense the lo-carb definitely kicked in and so, maybe it wasn't him. anyway, I'm off the steroids. For those of you who have never been on extended low (20 grams or less) lo-carb, you have no idea what you're missing. I mean besides yummy food. so many annoyances simply disappear. Why I let myself get pulled off of lifestyle is beyond me. It's highly forgiving, you can cheat at least once a week after you've lost the weight. there's really no reason to ever get off of it. Well I'm on it for the third time. I lost fifty pounds both times. I'm down 15 so far this go around. I should shed 2-3 pounds a week for a couple of months before is starts slowing down.

I tend to avoid running when over 205lbs, because of arthritis in one of my ankles from all that running in my youth. I'm getting very close to that. Hopefully I'll be running soon!! yay. I need to invest in a bicycle. Maybe I'll snag a good winter deal and be ready for spring. Lord knows my ankle can't really handle the kind of miles I night put on it. Better augment with another form of exercise.

Of course being low on cash some of my plans will have to wait. so far I've got desires to land a kayak to take advantage of this beautiful lake I'm on, a bicycle, and a practice membership at a local golf course (I work 1 mile away, perfect morning workout, at least the way I golf.) I figure I can afford none of the above, but I'll see what I can do. The good news is that me and my boss(es) see eye to eye on the direction of my store, I'm thinking with the alternative energy slant we've got a winning strategy. And of course that means more money for me. Problem is, I have to develop the business first, and transfer the store over from junk to something sellable. so I really could be a few months from cashing in meaningfully.

I apologize for the lack of anything interesting but I wanted to get something down this week. Hopefully, I can make more interesting use of the info later.

Everybody's got to fight to be free.

Listening to Tom Petty on a long late night drive home. It really is amazing at the number of hits he's had. I think the compilation I have has something like 30 tracks, all but maybe four are legitimate hits. I wonder if he feels successful.

What amazes me about Tom Petty types is the level of commitment to who they are. I'm sure they have the same struggles as the rest of us, but I wonder if he's ever seen himself as anything but a singer songwriter. We're all people and most of us see ourselves as people, I didn't say all. But people like TP I think see themselves as a certain kinda person. And just like we need to eat and breathe, he needs a guitar in his hand and a recorder on the table.

Yet, if we were to ask TP if we were to take just one thing away from you that would change the person you were most definitively what would that be? I don't think he'd pick his guitar or his recorder.

For most of us we spend a great deal of energy suppressing the things that make us unique. Sometimes that's just for the sheer delight of staying out of jail, but for the non pervs we just haven't shed the rules of conformity that were beat into us so early from our parents and social institutions. Yet, I can't help thinking all great accomplishments come from self actualization. putting yourself out there as you are and rolling with it. It certainly is tough on the psyche, all this suppression.

And so, I think on the journey to peace or happiness, the fight to be free really is with yourself. And so the genius of TP shines, our souls exiled from our public lives do live like refugees. And the road back home is through ourselves. Truly everybody's got to fight to be free.

Productive unmotivation.

So, in an oddly unnatural state, I'm feeling, well dare I say...at peace. And what comes with peace? Well pretty much being ok with how things are. So why then would you want to change anything? Peace brings a lack of motivation.

I was born with an abundance of angst. Always searching and always a sense that I'm somehow adrift far from my home port. This endless searching has always made it a tad difficult to connect with the here and now. so I get scattered, time escapes and I'm always left with little to nothing accomplished except for more angst at being further from where I think I should be.

So, today I feel at ease. With no motivation to search, and create anything new. Yet, somehow without any sense of urgency I have actually managed to get things done. I brutalized the schnoodle by giving him a bath, actually entered some books into my data base, dishes, laundry and vacuuming. For some who might see this list, they're like, "so what, I do that every day". But for me, that's like a months worth.

So why the peace? I don't know. Could be I'm just getting comfy with the new lifestyle. Could be a nice evening out with a good friend last night was ultra relaxing and has carried over. It could be the lo-carb kicking in. (I'm hitting it hard to help with the fungal thing). but one thing is clear, if I continue on my run of non-motivation look out world.

Old hobby, new reward.

At one point in time I thought I might buy and resell books. I love books. Not necessarily reading them. Weird I know, but true. I loved finding these little used treasures at garage sales and estate sales. I thought I better find some way to sell them if I wanted to continue buying them. So I set off to collect 300 of the nuggets of knowledge, at which time the goal was to list them on Abe books and purge some so I could buy more. That part isn't nearly as fun and so here I sit with 300 books I've never read.

I think, I'll resume the hobby at some point. But meanwhile, I think I've just been rewarded for my effort. In my previous post I talked about an annoyance I thought might be some type of fungal thing. The doc thought otherwise. I think he's wrong. He's got four more days to show progress. Anyway, I thought, I might just try to read one of these bound paper curios and make some use of them. And what do I find? A book by Doug Kaufmann called the Fungus link(ISBN 9703418-0-6). How timely.

What's always amazed me is how these little medical gems keep coming out and yet they get squashed so mightily by the AMA we never hear of them again. I've heard of discoveries to motion sickness, breast cancer, dyslexia and others that never see the light of day. And why they haven't seen the light of day. My belief is that the cures that would follow don't involve pharms. If money can't be made, no studies will be done. End of story.

So, while I have been hearing of fungal links to many maladies, I have as yet to see anything put together. and here I had it in my own living room. Ha!

So I begin reading my yearly book.

Correction and Update

The doctors office called, everything is fine except my cholesterol is high. They said, "your cholesterol levels are elevated, we want you to start medications." I said, "Nooooo, tell the Doctor i respectfully decline." No diet changes, no acknowledgment of my earlier objection, just buy some pharms.

I don't feel like going over my objections to statins, I'll just say that there has never been any proof that lowering the cholesterol levels actually increases a persons life span. In fact there more support that the side effects are substantial enough that possibly the net is negative. Yet they try to put everyone on them. It's a mystery. There are entire orgs devoted to debunking this scam.

Correction time. I said earlier that I live on about $100/mo for groceries while on the lo-carb diet. I did some math and I was understating, it's closer to 150/mo. I spend less than 100 at the grocery store but I forgot about my monthly trip to Sams Club.

While looking at my spending, I found that I spend roughly thirty bucks on my coffee. I'm not talking about Caribou, just grinding in home and flavorings. So today, I bought a cheap brand and will see if I can stomach that.

I had my first day in my new store. The store isn't new, just my experience in it. I now know why the last three people to work there quit. I'll see if I can do something different with it. If not I'll have to find a new job. I can't rot somewhere for another year.

Double Post

I feel like I am stealing from tomorrow. Take that time!! Or wait is that the wrong direction?

So when I'm single, I get creative. I do creative things. When I'm with someone I wilt. Soul suckers.

Anyway, starting to play guitar a bit again. It's frustrating getting back on that bicycle. Fingertips hurt, fingers seem much fatter, and the rhythm is gone. But slowly it comes back. Once it does the songwriting does too. I wonder if I'll actually finish a song before I forget it this go around. The wonders of ADD. What's fun about starting anew is that I often integrate what I felt was missing. I'm not as adept but somehow I think I always come back better. Now if I'd just take shorter breaks between goes.

Starting and stopping, much like life. You head in one direction so long and when you stop to take a breath, you just have to scratch your head, wondering if you went anywhere at all. is it really just a treadmill? You can be running your ass off, you stop for just a second, and the sucker who ain't done shit is right there, except seemingly smiling a little more easily. Life.

Well not to get biblical, but in genesis, misinterpreted, is the true goal of life. Self actualization. Just being the you that god intended, and then sharing that. Your life is just the yoke to the you that is the chicken embryo. yet we often tend to drown in the yoke instead of draw nourishment and sustenance from it. We mess it all up. I think, the older I get, it becomes clearer that we mess it up for no reason at all.

So, drawing meaning from life. We look outside of ourselves. We need to look inside to what makes us happy and brings us comfort. Try to take the long view and big picture it, I'd hate to see someone load up on heroin. But I don't think we listen to the cues around us. Did you wonder why when you feel good how in sync with the world around you you are. and how discordant everything feels when you don't feel so good. We don't listen well. We lose our rhythm. We stop writing our song.

I've been violated.

Doctors appt today, I'm 45. Fill in the blanks. All I can say is my doctor is no gentleman. In and out, no cuddle. Although he did seem to want to talk after.

So, I've been having some itching problems in a sensitive area. I told him I think its fungal. So he prescribes me steroid ointment. Precisely the wrong thing for fungal. Apparently he didn't think it was that. I might have the worst doctor in the world, although he came to may rescue when I had systemic Poison Ivy. apparently you can't roll around in the stuff three days in a row without some kind of a reaction. So anyway he got the last one right, using steroids of course. I also got a tetanus booster, and blood work, cholesterol, PSA and something else that seems to be a mystery. I'm normal on blood sugar and blood pressure. He ignored my skin changing complaints. Come to think of it besides sticking his finger up my butt, which I was expecting, he pretty much ignored everything I said.

Doctors get quite upset when you tell them that whole cholesterol thing is a load of crap. He talked me into the test anyway. "Well don't you at least want to know?" I guess I do. I think maybe you shouldn't piss your doc off until the end of the appointment. I guess i feel like when on a date you should get the deal breakers out of the way first. I'm seeing now that doesn't apply to doctors appointments. Even if there is penetration.

Do you think he'll call?

Off the grid.

It's constantly amazing how many people just want to be left the f*** alone. Not that they want to be alone. They just feel tremendous pressure to be apart of civilization and fulfill some acceptable role in it. Yet they don't like it. motivated and driven people seem more and more a rarity. It seems that there are such talented and interesting people completely wasted in some corporate endeavor.

As time goes on I see less and less value in corporate affairs. We're all channeled like cattle into the freight cars. And the slaughterhouse is awaitin'. When did we get to the point where we stopped working to satisfy the needs of people and started working to satisfy the needs of wall street. Somethings is seriously amiss.

Think about what you need, and what you want, then think how truly necessary all the chrome, glass, metal and fake stone is really involved in bringing those things to you. If you're not following along let me clarify. you need a farmer, but do you really need everything that goes into all the products and packaging in Cub foods. I get the Ben and Jerry's argument. So there are problems.

Have we built something so monstrous that it no longer serves us but feeds off of us for it's own nourishment. Is capitalism sucking the very soul out of those it should be serving.

but that I think leads me to a bit of hope. The giant house of cards has really inflated the amount of money required to participate in this house of cards. There in lies the opportunity. I think it might be easier than ever to chuck it all away, to not necessarily go off the grid, but choose the part you want and minimize the demands on you, and maximize the joy and meaning in your life.

How to do it. Well, taking cues from surfwise, you have to understand what you're doing and make the hard choices that support what you want. You have to either be debt free, or be willing to walk away from it. You have to get rid of the extra demands for cash, media things. You have to go green and buy second hand. You can get down to a life that demands very little cash, and can be supported by any endeavor that you enjoy.

If you look at things, as the demands for cash are growing, whats necessary is shrinking. You can spend an enormous amount on media services or you can now be connected quite cheaply if you want. if you're not a phone chatter, pay for cell service can be under 20$ a month. You don't even need that. Decent Internet connectivity is 25$ or less. So you're plugged in for less than 50$ a month. Transportation --Get rid of the car. Live by where you work or play, and either be totally in on a suburban location or use pub transport

I can get by on less than $100 for food. So you need a place to live. You can go real cheap if you want. Or maybe that's where you spend your dough. But the point is, if you really want, now more than ever you can drop out and make it on very little.

I think we will see more and more people opting for this.

Sticking Out

I'm unique. Not saying it's good. It just is. But I've never stood out becuase of it. You had to get in my space a little to experience it. Other than that I've meshed in quite well. And that's the way I like it.

Now, I'm getting older and I find my self single again. I like being by myself, on my own. Always wanted it, never had it. Yet at the same time, it's a very unnatural situation for me. I've never gone more than a few weeks at a time without a woman close by. Luckily it's always been fairly easy for me to meet people. So here I am pretty much where I'd like to be right now and yet I find myself gravitating towards the online match sites. Mostly out of boredom, even though I know where that leads. I think I'd really like to just have a girlfriend. But is that even possible these days?

So while I would really like to meet some people to hang out with and maybe even a little romance type thing, I don't think I know how to kinda be involved with someone. You see it in the movies, but does that really ever happen. Now it's worse, every woman has a plan. Nothing can just be. I grew up with this weird notion that love was a living thing in and of itself. Much like creating a baby. Throw in a little love juice and an egg, incubate a little and something new and unlike anything before emerges. Nope, not anymore. Now, you do this, I'll do that, we'll get married here at this point in time and if we work really hard at it maybe it won't suck so bad. Well the first plan made it suck and aborted the real possibilities.

So I'm stuck, wanting something that should naturally exist, cursed with what seems to naturally occur from that. nature blows.

And for the first time in my life, I'm actually worried that I may never find someone. Not because they're not out there, but because I think I'm running out of time. There's something that seems to happen to women at my age, that I'm not at all attracted to. Yes, I know, I'm shallow. But it's hard to imagine a connection without that attraction.

I can't accept my age, and the women I'm suppose to want. I can't accept what is prescribed. But every day that passes reduces options, possibilities.

In my brain I'm not 45. I don't see the world from the eyes of a 45 year old. But yet I am closer to 50 than 40. People my age are old. I am not old. I'm starting to stick out.

Opening doors.

Today I closed the doors on the store I had been running. That leaves me without a work home. I will cover other stores while the people running them take a vacation. Then I will start in another store. The least productive store, also the least supported. We'll see how it goes. If I can make something happen there I'll be some kind of a hero. If I don't I imagine running two stores into the ground won't look so good.

Now really, I'm sure I could have done better, you can always do better. But my numbers were just as good as anyone Else's, just higher rent and a store that had a pita problem because of location.

So, onto the point of the post. Change. So as seems to be the case with the rest of my life I'm surrounded by change but yet nothing has started. No direction has emerged. I'm simply waiting for the rest of the shit to hit the fan. And it will. I'm hoping sooner than later. I'm anxious for a future to emerge. I just think the past has to finish going away first.

And it's not just waiting for things to take shape, there will be a process to put the past to rest. I'm really thinking I've got a solid year of making the past go away. It's kinda a like taking refuge during a hurricane. You know the worst part of the storm has passed, but at some point you have open the door and deal with the mess. So I've opened that door, and it's a mess.

They say that with every door you pass through there are new possibilities. And I agree because quite possibly this sucks.

Hello again.

Well it's time for my semi-annual post. Things have changed. I've found myself single again. I don't know that it's an improvement. It just is, its just something that had to happen. But that leaves me at a new beginning.

Beginnings. That seems to imply the start of something doesn't it. Yet, I've no plans. No goals. I always felt that my dreams held me back a little kept me from plugging in and making a life of what was in front of me. And so without them, I should be plugging in and digging in. I've never cared so little about the world around me. Never been so unmotivated.

My bucket list. Completely empty. I've talked to others who feel the same. I think it's an epidemic. I have thought it would be a great book if someone were to write what to do when your bucket is empty. Maybe I'll write it. I'll call it: "Somebody kicked my bucket and I'm still here, what to do when your bucket is empty." Now I just need to figure out what to write, and then i suppose I should figure out how to write.

I have thought about it, being in it of course it's fresh on my mind...all the time. I think about the only thing you can really do is to start moving. Without goals and direction I think maybe you just create the motions and hope something takes.

Me and my Schnoodle

Tonight it's just me and my Schnoodle. The woman is away on business and so I am left to myself. And I have bored myself . I have sang Karaoke for two hours, watched the primary unfold, spent hours on the gopher hole site and still bored. Now my throat is sore, the one republican candidate I liked is an incredibly uninteresting speaker, nothing new is being said in gopherville and so I start this blog.

As I get older it seems that boredom permeates everything. Anything new is soon infected and suffers the same fate. Shriveling to a near death experience, not quite dead but needing to be. And I collect these things, little tokens of promise stored away in my decaying gray matter. A collection of might have beens, proof of a wasted existence. There's value there, don't think there ain't. At any time I can pull out one of those little prizes and show anyone what I could have done had I really wanted to. Had I been a little more motivated. Had I not played the whole adventure through in my brain to completion and saw that it all would bring me back to the same place; looking for something to capture my imagination, something to stop the constant boredom.

So I tap away with my leaking schnoodle sitting patiently by. He doesn't suffer my affliction. The least bit of attention and he gets so excited. A dogs life.