Rain

hey, she says,
I thought I'd find you here.
hey, she says,
can I sit down.
there's a little time before I have to go
I think we should talk
she says

she says we should talk.

Outside the rain falls down
outside the rain comes down.
and fills up the cracks,
outside the rain falls down
through this pane the rain falls down,
but I'm just as trapped
as my reflection in this window,
as my reflection in this life.

She says we should talk.

Hey she says,
I had a great time.
hey she says,
I think we should keep in touch.
I don't know when I'll call you,
I don't know when I'll be back.

she aint coming back.

outside the rain falls down
the rain keeps coming down
and runs down my back,
outside the rain comes down
through the pane the rain poors down,
but I'm just as trapped,
as my reflection in this window,
as my reflection in this life.

It aint coming back.

and the rain gathers together
and streams to the drains
and carries discards and washes clean,
the things that remain.
and hides the things we might have done.
and claims the people we might have become.

http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_3457261

2009

The year has come to an end, or it soon will. It's time to recap.

From the outside looking in it might look like a terrible year for me. I started the year having just broke off my engagement to LeAnn and moving out of a beautiful house into a dingy mother in law basement apartment in the country. And then the new year started and within a week I found myself out of work.

So there I was, broke, out of work, and out of love. Seemingly in the middle of nowhere, alone (except for the Schnoodle). I suppose I should have been devastated, but yet somehow ending up at point zero seemed like a massive improvement. For the first time in my life there were no demands on me. I was in essence off the grid, except for the unemployment check deposited into my account every week. Peace finally had a chance.

Something I had always wanted to do was to live alone. Maybe not forever but at least for a while. I just wanted a chance to manage my own space and time. I think there is something grounding about having the whole thing and finding ways that work just for you. And it takes time. A year is certainly not even long enough, but it was nice. And so live alone I did. The only real problem with it is that I really like it. I'm not sure I want to ever change it. And so what does that do about the prospects of romance. "yeah, I love you but get the hell out of my house", just doesn't seem like a relationship builder. Anyway, the chance to live alone really gave me an opportunity to find what i like to do. So what did I find.

Outside of American Idol and a few selected sports things I found i really didn't like TV. I've always thought that but was always surrounded by them because of the people I lived with who insisted that TV background noise was not only acceptable but deeply desired. And so once I lived alone the TV never went on except when Maggie came to visit. Luckily that only meant that i got to watch Family Guy which might be the best show on TV, so it wasn't all bad. But when I was alone, the TV was off. Oliver the Schnoodle doesn't miss it either.

So that's the start to my year, alone and no TV. And so I had an empty slate. But what to do with it. At first I had no real way of passing time. I hadn't been reading, or playing guitar, or writing. So I needed something interesting to pass the time. Thus I discovered the wonderful world of online Texas Hold-em.

Back before I was unemployed gainfully working in the mind numbing world of fireplace sales in a construction led recession, i deposited a hundred bucks into an online account. The thinking was that I would play the free games (the $100 was required to open the account). I had never played the game except at a party once and the online is interactive with the other players and so I thought the interaction would be good for me. Poker players are mostly dicks, and so I was wrong about that, but i found the game fascinating. Every now and then I'd play a money game and lose. But I was learning. Eventually I dwindled the money down to nothing but i felt like I had finally learned enough to hold my own. And so I threw in another fifty bucks. And I did hold my own but the account slowly sank. Then after i had lost my job and figured that when the money was gone I was done with real money play i got down to my last of the money I had.

Up to this point I had been playing in ring games. This is the word for a traditional format like we're accustomed to where upon a bunch of guys are sitting around a table and play until they run out of money or have to go home. But I though before I ran out of money it would be fun to play in a tournament. And so I entered one. I had no idea about it. There were 36 people in this tourney and it showed some small winnings for a few places but the first place just showed entry. I thought it was a data entry error and they just forgot to put in the amount. Well it turned out in my very first tourney I won!! Now that was exciting. So I looked to see how much money i had won and my account hadn't gone up at all. So I played another tourney and asked some of the people about it. It turned out 'entry' was not a data error but it meant that I had won an entry into a larger tournament. Well alot of good that did me. Here I was hoping for some cash to keep playing these one and two dollar tournaments and all I had was an entry to a twenty-six dollar tournament that I'd likely not make any money on. Meanwhile my account dwindled to nothing and so all I had was this entry.

As fate would have it, a close person to the family had died and the wake and funeral were conflicting with the date of the tourney. So there i was with only an entry to a big tournament left of my poker career and I wouldn't even be able to play it. So i did a little checking and lo and behold, I didn't have to play it. I could withdraw from the tournament and get the entry money credited back to may account. Thus I had twenty six bucks to work with.

By this point I had learned enough to be OK. Not great but I could hold my own and didn't get abused by the better players too much. Thus the little bit of money I had left has sustained me for the entire year. As of today i have about fifty in the account. It's been as high as Eight hundred and as low as twelve bucks, but I've never run out. It's a funny game, every time I learn something new i lose. It takes me a while to learn how to apply the new techniques. Eventually I think I'll learn enough to actually make money at it. We'll see. For now it's good entertainment.

So that is how i passed my time. I went through periods when I did not play, I don't think I played at all between March and July. I've been through periods where I played seemingly 24/7, like in August when I ran my account up to the eight hundred mark and all the way down again. In the meantime when I was not playing poker or scouring the want ads for a job, i was slowly learning what I liked to do. Finding out what I had passions for.

The first thing I did was to start playing guitar again and writing. It came back a little slowly but it came back. I've always like creative processes, and so it was the first thing that I sought. As a part of my year of discovery I shucked off notions of what kind of music i should be writing and just let the music and lyrics write themselves. It's been a year long process to fully grasp this and let go of old ways but I think my inner voice is now in control of my writing process. And it's so much more talented than the outer one. Out of this my good overly opinionated friend Troy gave me a nice book of lyric writing. This spawned a rebirth of a discarded passion I once had.

I began writing poetry again. At first I was a bit reluctant as I'm not a big fan or poetry, but soon I found myself doing more and more of it until now I'm at the point I enjoy it quite a bit. It's a similar journey trying to get my outer self out of the way of the more talented inner voice, but I'm making progress. And liking it.

The next thing that happened is that I decided that I'd try to revisit another old passion i had and that was coaching. At one point in time after high school I started coaching. I did this for five years. I gave it up when my budding music career got in the way. And then jobs were always interfering. It's rather tough to have employment that leaves you free from 2-5P everyday. And so i took complete advantage of my unemployed status and volunteered at the local high school. For any of you who might be concerned, the unemployment rules allow for fifteen hours a week of volunteer work before it needs to be reported. Anyway, I loved it. I still found I had a passion for it and was good at it.

The next thing that happened was a rebirth of my book hoarding passion. I have always loved books. Not so much the reading of them as much as the thing of them. Maybe because when I was a kid a library was a sacred place you only got to go to on special days. There was no library in my elementary school. Instead we got field trips to the main in town school to go to the library. It was almost as special as stopping at the Dairy Queen but not quite to that level. So anyway I developed this weird love of all things pulpy, dusty, and musty. So I thought i might try my hand at buying and selling used books. I first tried this a couple of years ago but it freaked out my then fiance so bad I stopped. She had visions of stacks of books everywhere. And they were well founded fears as I now have over three thousand books stacked everywhere.

Out of this hobby, and I am trying to keep this at the hobby status, I learned much about what makes a book valuable and what doesn't. I also found a way to sell some of them. I have one spot in an antique store. I've only had it a few months and only one of those months has been profitable. I think I'm actually paying to sell my books. But i think I'm learning what will sell and what won't, so hopefully it'll be cash positive in time.

So there you have it. 2009 all wrapped up nicely. I came into the year with a clean slate and ill defined. I finished the year as a poker playing, book hoarding, track coaching, song writing poet.

And now for 2010.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Hope you all found a way to enjoy it and spend it with people you love.

A Dying Woman

This was a very sick woman I was looking at,
encountered in a late night hallway,
dimly lit from a night light appendaged to an ungrounded outlet.
She was hairless and I was unprepared for the sight of her without her wig, or hat.
Her bathrobe tightened around her as if it was the only thing holding her together.

And I was scurried out of the bathroom,
urgently interrupted
doing my best to comply.
It was the first and only time I had seen her in distress,
unable to hide how sick she was.
It was the first time I was aware of the limits of hope and redemption.
It was the last time I spoke to her.

I was fifteen then,
and the remnants of my failing childhood
no match for the cruel intricacies of death.
Stoicism too available to my budding adulthood looking for a hiding place.
And I used it well and disappeared.

In the remaining days I was absent
though my footsteps be heard
and though I boarded the school bus
just outside the front door of the farm house.
I was not there.
I would never be there.
I could not be,
not then.

and I never talked to her after,
she was something else then
not my aunt, though she wanted to be.


A dying woman.
And me old enough to know what death was,
too young to know what it might mean.
And so it was that too soon after,
before I could come to terms with the
realities of impending death
it was no longer so.

The day of death,
the funeral,
just rituals and movements
things that had to be done.
the shock lost in rehearsal,
the pain lost in deferral.

Still today some thirty years later
I struggle to grasp the full reality of it all.
I see the changed lives,
the endless cascade of absence
the broken illusion of wholeness
forever shattering thoughts of what might have been, exposing the deficiencies of what remained,
mostly exposing my own incompleteness,
and the lost opportunities of those last days,
because of the fear of what I could not see,
and the truth of what I could.

And though she was courageous
covering her pain as best she could from those who loved her,
and though I only saw her distress in one brief encounter in a dimly lit hallway,
because of my empty spaces, and broken completion,
she is always with me,
always waiting with absolution,
which I will never ask for.

Road to nowhere

In progress. And no music yet. A little backwards from my usual writing which occurs with guitar in hand. I may offer this up to one of my guitarist friends to find the accompany, tho I do have the melody. The bridge lack meter, but I'll tweak it once I marry it to some music.


Traveling down the road to nowhere
packed my bags walked out the back door,
I'm on my way
gone today.

Tried my best to hang on main street,
trade the songs that wouldn't buy the things,
that replace the soul
so i had to go

So maybe I'm on the road to nowhere
but it's better than already being there
now I'm testifyin'
I almost died tryin'

and maybe I will never make it,
but I've learned I can take it,
if i just keep moving
then I'm never losing

Cause I've been beat down
and pushed around
Now I'm going back
to the lost and found
where my dreams are waiting
though they're old and faded
I can't lose now
that I have found
I'll always win
with my feet on the ground
if I listen hard enough
if I follow true enough

It's hard to walk a path lonely
and I don't know if it always will be
but it the only way
they can ever choose me

when i think about who tried to save me
and lost the battle and couldn't change me
i love them still
I remember them all

it's hard to love when your heart is empty
it's hard to believe in what they see
cause if it ain't me,
how can i believe

Cause I've been beat down
and pushed around
And now I'm going back to the lost and found
where my dreams are waiting
though they're old and faded.

i won't lose now
that i have found
I'll always win
with my feet on the ground
if I listen hard enough
if I follow true enough

As long as I remember I've been trying to fake it
playing the game and never win
I just don't care if I ever make it,
because as long as I'm on my own path
I'm always just where I ought to be.

Traveling on the road to nowhere
made up my mind I'm going to stay there
It's alright with me
Walking free.....

Chorus to fade

religous experience

Angels are around us
they come unexpectedly
they nourish the soul
the spirit
and give us life,

And so it was this day an angel came to me.
And she was beautiful, more lovely than any rock goddess.
And I felt the music, and she asked me to pray.
you do not argue against beauties deserved capitulation.
and I was glad for my surrender.

and she knealt and pulling me down by the arm
I melted to the touch and opened myself.
And she prayed, and I prayed.

as her lips moved
I watched her mouth and
caught glimpses of her tongue
and I could see her connecting
her closed eyes touching someone, somewhere
and my eyes touching hers, following down her nose,
back to her lips down her chin and
as far down the vee in her neckline as I thought my eyes could steal.

She sighed as she achieved ecstasy in grace,
as did I.
As she whispered "my father, my lord" she lifted her closed eyes heavenward
and I saw the beauty of her neck gently flow to such a delicate and strong back.
and I followed it down to the place you stop, before you get to go too far
and as I envisioned my hands there,
so perfectly pulling her towards me
just enough
to feel her resistance and her desire at the same time
she whispered something about Jesus, and so did I.

and then her prayer was done, but not mine.
and she said "isn't it great how connecting with heaven can nourish us?"
and I agreed.

sorry, it had to be said.

nothing goes away
and our obese souls trudge
until the fat oozes and freezes
and we're stuck .

Once we danced because we might be great
and then we danced to remember.
and now we don't dance at all.

unhealthy, constricted veins
and a tired heart, and idle feet.

repurposed dance shoes,

and no beat.

Always the highway.

She said,
"I know I should be smiling
even though times are hard
but I don't know if my brain works that way.

When none of my beginnings
can find happy endings
and now I can't even get paid.

It's high time I questioned
this crap that I've been given
and why I'm living this life

It's seem all my workin
didn't add up to nuthin'
they say I'm better off this way?

Why do I fight so hard
to go nowhere?

If it always leads
back to here
does it matter where I go
I might as well
close my eyes
and follow the sun
If life always
leads me back to here
then I'll leave it to the breeze
and if i find myself
here again
and not free

There's always the highway
always the highway."

So she sold all her extras
and counted all her pennies
and thought about what made her smile

If she could get closer
to what she'd been missing
it wouldn't matter if it took awhile.

If each step is sweeter
I know I'll be happier
but i better not wait too long .

There's a path that awaits me,
and you might think I'm crazy
but I'm trying to hear my song"

If you listen hard enough
to your soul.

If life always leads
back to here
does it matter where I go?
might as well close my eyes
and follow the sun.
If life always leads me
back to here,
then I'll leave it to the breeze,
and if I find myself here again
and not free

There's always the highway,
always the highway.

Just one more thin mint.

Seems my chair doesn't seem to care
if I spend too much time in my underwear
If I waste all my time, if I grow more hair
to a chair it's never too late.

Seems my TV won't look back at me,
If i curse its wrongs, for lying blatantly
To think i gave it so much company
TV's don't care about fate.

Hiding from tomorrow
as told by my past
trying to find the middle
for the last

I wake up to what forever
has written in my dreams
and try not to see,
what any of it means.

It's a real test of wills, not to spill coffee
when it's filled to the Topsy, looking for it's turvey
I think it's plain to see, I need caffeine free
I need to drink green tea.

I guess things get bent, and pick up a new dent
when not used for the makers best intent
I can't eat one more thin mint,
But I guess that's enough about me.

Hiding from tomorrow
as told by my past
trying to find the middle for the last

I wake up to what forever
has written in my dreams
and try not to see what any of it means.

I pour myself some coffee
and sit down in my chair
and surf and surf for some good TV.

So far down.

It's you
and me.
Trying not to believe.
What seemed meant to be,
And now you don't look at me.

One mistake,
and two heart breaks
now its too too too late,
to start all over again,

And it's so far down
i'll never hit the ground

When you fall off the top of the world,
when you lose the perfect girl
when you fall off the top of the world
you want to find your way back there again,
you want to make her smile again.

Perfectly
the fit was plain to see
the way you came to me
the way you set me free

It was happy times
tho you still call me friend
i still remember when.
we though it would never end

and it's so far down,
i doubt I'll ever hit the ground

When you fall off the top of the world
when you lose that perfect girl
when you fall off the top of the world
you know you'll never be the same.
you know it'll never feel the same.
you just want to see her smile again.

Just hum along.

You and me
we gotta lot of need.
and more time than a Cadillac
of a blue haired lady
in the hills in a big house
and more cash than she can stack

There's a tune to sing
that needs some accompany
and you look like you can play
my guitars ready,
and the chords are new
and I think I got something to say

But I know,

I've got a reputation,
and maybe it's the truth.

maybe the words aren't right for the song,
but I sure like to sing it this way,
but I bet you'll be humming along.
dancing along the way.

Well sit right here
this seat a little empty
and it wants to be warm
sit right here
i can use some company
it sure won't do no harm

And if my feet start tapping,
don't get alarmed
they're just getting ready to go,
and if the music starts playing
you might think it's angels
but the devils only get this far, oh no

but I got a reputation
and baby it's the truth

maybe the words aren't right for this song,
but I sure like to sing it this way
I bet you'll be humming along
so it don't matter anyway

so maybe the words aren't right for this song
I just like to sing it this way
I bet you'll be humming along
dancing the night away.

Well she walked up to me
put one foot on the chair
and when i looked her over
she just didn't care
she said, "boy, you aint nothin'
but a bad boy wanna be
but you gotta have somethin
if you wanna be with me "
She held my stare
and got real close
and she grabbed my hair
and then she whispered in my ear...

"i've got a reputation baby
and it might be the truth. "

chorus to fade

Another song i will soon forget.

I sit around the campfire.
And chase away the cold
The flames they're getting higher
with no where else to go.

The fire's like a movie,
of a thousand thoughts in my head,
of plans I made, and gave away
things she did, things she said
It drifted away
they all went up in smoke.
*****
I try not to think about her,
or where she might have gone,
but what remains, when fiery flames
get lost to try again
I try not to think about it
try to live without it
but nights like these have memories
taunting me, haunting me
theyre drifting away
they all go up in smoke.

*******
And the stars are shining brighter,
than they did yesterday,
and they never move at all,
but just fade away,
and take the fire,
but leave a little smoke.

*********

The fires a little warmer,
on a cold night like this,
maybe I'm sitting closer,
maybe thinking of things I've missed
but I watch the flames,
make their mistakes
I can feel their heart breaks
promises that failed to take
and wondering if its all too late
it drifted away
and all went up in smoke.

http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_3218843

The problem got worse.

I didn't realize it had been that long since I last posted. A few days after my 215 book garage sale extravaganza I stopped at an Estate Sale. Books everywhere. I didn't have time to look through them all so I made an offer to buy them all and they accepted. I haven't made an official count but easily close to two thousand or more. So I'm buried in them.

So what to do? Well I'm probably going to have to expand the antique store thing for sure, and I'll probably have to go online as well much sooner than I had expected. In the mean time I've been cleaning and organizing the books. It's a huge task with so little room to maneuver. Basically moving piles around trying to make the piles some what cohesive as a grouping.

I really like this, I only hope I can have some success with it so it makes sense. Otherwise I've got a lot of books to get rid of.

I think I have a problem

I'm surrounded by books. I went out for a short drive this morning to see if there might be some odd wednesday sales, and three hours later my van is filled with 215 of them. And that was being selective. I need to slow down to make sure I can actually sell them. I'm sure tomorrow will be worse...or better.

And we're off.

So the antique store gig is on. I sold two books in the first few days with only half my shelves filled. I filled the rest today. It will be fun to see how it goes and what sells and what doesn't. Hopefully it's cash positive so I can expand. I think I may not have the optimal mix but I can adjust as i learn easily enough. I'm really hoping to have all the kinks worked out within three months and have an expansion shortly there after.

I'm still sitting on about 250 books that don't seem right for this type of venue. So I can do more, I'm thinking Abe books. I'll ponder that a day or two but I think it's time to give that a go.

Went running for the first time in quite awhile. It wasn't as bad as I feared it might be. I'll probably rest for a few days, maybe taking a walk or two before I repeat. I'm old, must be careful.

So now, I kinda have things going the way I want them to go. It's time to find that magic job that makes it all work. It will be tough. The jobs that fit don't pay well, and the ones that do don't fit. I don't need much, you'd think it'd be easier than all this.

Oh well.

Just about have another song done. I really have to figure out my recording thingy, or get the Markster to hurry up and buy the simpler one.

Another step into the wilderness.

Well tomorrow I elevate my book hoarding hobby to a new level. Wish me luck.

Can kicking

Wrote a new song with the Mark. It did make me take note of one more thing that is going from this world. Tin cans are becoming rarer. What ever shall we kick?

Mark promises he's going to buy the micro recorder soon. so maybe this one actually gets recorded. It's got a little bit of rock-a-billy swing to it. Think 'rock this town'. Fun for us because it's a bit of a departure from the introspective crap we usually write.

Took a long walk
and headed on down the road.
With a lucky strike and a can to kick,
and a path to call my own.

I stayed out too long,
and didn't go back,
left it all behind
but there's nothing I lack.
Can kickin', song whistlin' and headed on down the road.

Here I go
on my way
passing things I gave away

Can kickin' song whistlin' and headed on down the road


A sweet looking lady
that needs some company.
A great big house and shiny things,
but missing a diamond ring.

I stayed too long
'til it was plain to see,
she liked my style
but she didn't like me.

Can kickin' song whistlin' and headed on down the road.

Here I go.
On my way.
Passing things I gave away.

Can kickin' song whistlin' and headed on down the road.

Ice Cream comtemplations.

Today while eating some Rocky Road (damn Edy's for there 3$ sale) I was comtemplating just how much ice cream I could possibly eat. I determined that I could eat all of it, no matter how much that was.

That's all.

Books chapter two.

Yesterday i watched an interesting TED video. It was about work place incentive and motivation. The main point is that what science has know for decades business fails to incorporate. Science has found that rewards or punishment tied to achievement works very well for simple linear tasks such as putting more widgets in a box per hour. There is a direct positive correlation between reward and achievement for these kinds of things. But what they've also learned is that in more complex tasks these things have the opposite effect. As the motivation increases the outcomes decline. Counter intuitive sure but the experiments have been replicated over and over with similar findings. They've found that the more you create a creative environment and foster intrinsic motivations such as finding a larger purpose the better the outcomes.

This post isn't about business. It's really about the last post I had. About taking the next step. What the experiment showed, and what the conclusion they drew is, that the higher the incentive the more focuses on the outcome the individual became, the less likely that they were able to see the bigger possibility of solutions. Often times when we have a path we feel we must travel such as getting a better job, a complex task unless you know exactly what kind of job you want and where it is (then it becomes more linear) focusing on the outcome and what it means to you creates an environment for yourself where you are overly focused on outcomes and not as engaged in the process, you miss all the possibilities. You in essence deny the path or worse as is usual plow through trying to make your own path, your own road to nowhere. You confuse movement, with being on the right path and getting to a place that is right for you. And really if you don't stop to taste, smell, and feel where you are how can you ever realize what you like and what you want more of. How can you ever know where you want to go. And the sad reality is if we don't take this time to engage and experience and live and love where we are and who we are we can never ever know where it is we should be going. We can never choose the right path. We can never take the next step that makes our lives better.

Engagement in the process, learning to enjoy the journey is the key that turns the light on, that shines on the spot where your next step must land.

Books? What books?

So I have a few books. Maybe close to 400 of them. Not that I like to read so much, I mean I do but I'll maybe only read 4-5 in any given year. But i just love the actual books. As things. I like the thought that I'm holding some one's hard work and creative energy. Almost like I'm keeping it safe from demise. Somehow the fact that there are millions of other copies haven't factored into my psychosis. But really what i liked beyond the actual book was the hunt for them.

So at one point I thought I'd start collecting first edition books by storming garage sales here and there. I quickly accumulated my holdings and filled book cases to sagging shelved capacity, and bought even more.

So the thought was that i would sell them online and make a little profit to feed my passion for finding the books. However, I loathed the agonizing task of listing them for sale. I quickly realized that most of my time was going to be data entry and shipping and not hunting. It totally killed the buzz. But not the desire.

So today whilst killing a little time as the daughter did her last behind the wheel I walked into an antique store. I mentioned my experience as an obsessed book hoarder and my self imposed exile from my hobby. And they said, "why don't you rent a few shelves here so you can sell some and be able to buy more."

Angels sang, book worms turned. I pressed them and said that I had thought about antique stores but thought that only old decorative pieces would be appropriate. They said no they sell alot of books and all kinds. And so I think I'm back to garage sailing. Unfortunately the season is nearly past, but estate sales aren't so bad either. In fact in some respects better since you get the treasured books and not just the cast offs.

It's funny as I was talking to a friend last night I came up with a nice little existential saying that went like this, "Once you start down a path that connects with your inner soul, your feet will find the rest of the path" Never mind that inner soul is redundant, the point is that i allowed myself to dream for a second and my feet found the next step down a path. Just like magic. But maybe the lesson is that I engaged people while I was there, I harassed the customers and clerks bridging elevator like personal solitude and beginning unsolicited conversations. Without this interaction i never would have gained this insight.

More valuable maybe was another observation. An existential saying I like is that you should not worry about the path only the next step. But so often that kind of leaves me often with a 'now what' experience and not really any revelation or onward and upward opportunities. What I learned is that simply wandering into a path isn't enough. That merely is evidence of desire, it does not necessarily lead to the next step. You need to begin the journey sure, so it is critical that you step forward. So wandering into a path isn't enough to find the next steps, then what is? This is what i learned today: you must also engage in the surroundings. You can't simply stand still and look around, you must experience and engage. Critical component. I think I just became smarter.

eh.

It's been a month. I know I've been shirking my blogging duties. I'm sorry. It's just that i have nothing to say. I mean I do, but it just can't seem to find it's way loose from my noggin.

I can feel this bubbling gnawing angst building up, and it needs to say something. I've been waiting, and nothing. I think there have just been too many unexpected twists to the events of the past year, it's taking some time to come to grips with it all.


People that know me, or that think they do anyway, would know I've gone through a bit of crap. Some dark days. But oddly I've been very happy through most of it. As things got darker i got happier, I knew a new dawn was approaching and the darker it got the sooner the light would appear. More than that, a different day, one I hadn't seen before was on it's way. And now as the light is beginning to appear I'm feeling an odd sense of loss. I really can't explain it. Unexpected.

Oddly, my happiness has made me a bit toxic to a few. Again unexpected.

Maybe it's that I have to wait at least another year before I'm free to fly, and it's more like entering a sort of purgatory than moving on.

I've learned so much this past year; about myself, about others, where I fit, where i don't. While these narrower parameters should be of benefit when moving forward the truth is much much less then the imagined possibilities that held me down for so long. Try to make sense of that sentence.

You'd think choosing ones own path is perfect metaphor. Maybe too perfect as I travel with the same company. Unexpected.

I think also, when I began blogging I felt that there were people who needed to hear what was in my head. Somehow I thought sharing my thoughts, who I truly was might be beneficial, maybe even bring people closer in without having them here in my way. I think I was wrong about that. So now blogging seems just a little too self serving. I've never written for myself. Perhaps my writing would be better if I did.

Who knows what happens tomorrow right? I might write, I might not. Expect it.

Happy birthday to me.

Well it's my birthday today. yippee.

I thought I would take a second to update what's been going on. What happened this year, what I hope to happen next.

What happened last year?

We'll call this the year of wiping the slate clean. It started out aptly enough with the break up of me and my fiance. I then moved into a tiny basement apartment that has suited me just fine. A few weeks into the new year I was laid off from my job. This leaves me with a fresh pallet to paint on. I like it.

Along the way I've started writing poetry again after a 20 year hiatus, reconnected with a former passion and started coaching track again. I've found a nifty little hobby that may turn into a full time deal, more on that when the time comes. The dog has gotten older, I've gotten younger and skinnier, or to be more precise...less fat.

The single greatest thing to happen this year is the discovery of face book. This may be the single greatest invention in the history of mankind. I've been able to reconnect with many many people, stay connected much more effectively with the ones i should, and mostly it allows me to spend just as much time with other peeps as i want. It has changed my life.

The year ahead.

My goals this year are simple. To simply find a peaceful comfortable existence. I don't require much money so I don't need a great job, just one that provides enough. The answer may lie in my hobby, but we'll see. I also want to continue with somethings I have began this year. I want to coach again and I want to write more.

Details.

I've been continuing to run at least twice a week and have avoided the urge to do it a third by replacing those times with a long walk. So in essence i run twice and walk once or twice. I'm feeling in better health all the time. I've also resumed my diet, I have crashed through that pesky 200lb barrier and am now at 197. 195 is an important mark for me as it is at that point i move out of the obese category and into the pleasantly plump category. If you want to know what that actually means, it's about the point where my stomach doesn't hang anymore. So that intermediate goal isn't really a number so much as a body shape characteristic. 180 is the big goal, although when I get there I hope to go a little lower, just to do better than the last time i lost weight.

How to construct an ex

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Turning into Andy

So slowly I've been turning into Andy Kaufman. I find much humor in situation where I don't have an audience. Saying and doing things in the wrong situation so that people don't know what to do is a real hoot. And totally inappropriate.

In some respects I've always been this way, but as I age, or become more psychotic however you prefer it called, I get much bolder and care less about dancing with our language. I kind of took a turn a few years ago when fast food drive through order takers would get overly friendly. Or more familiar than they should be. Not that I mind, it just gives me an 'in'. So if they say something like, "how's it going today?" through the speaker, I'll tell them and proceed to start a conversation with them. It of course makes them very uncomfortable and totally makes my day.

Or for some reason the girls taking orders at the pizza place up the road when getting my name will always say. "can I have your name?" I usually have one of two replies, if they have a name tag that says say 'Jennifer', i might say "well i think Jennifer is a much better name for you but if you want to use mine go right ahead." Or maybe I'll say, "no, i need it for myself.". They never get it, and the blank stare is priceless. But only to me.

My newest one is my favorite. When I go shopping I try to find that one woman who thought she could sneak out of the house and quick grab something from the grocery store looking as bad as possible in her worst grubby clothes. If I'm sure the last thought to cross her mind when she left her house is, "god, I hope I don't run into anyone I know!!" That's my target. I then proceed to get in the same aisle as her and check her out a little just so enough so she knows I'm checking her out. I'm sure this will back fire on me at some point, but right now the apparent mortification is priceless.

Putting a bow on the experiment.

Well it's over. None of the athletes qualified for the state meet. A few were close including one of my high jumpers. Even though we didn't have any qualifiers it was actually a good finish as a number kids had their best meet of the year at the end. A solid note to go out on.

We had our banquet on Sunday and while it was sad to see it end and to think I might not be back with these kids it was nice in that I felt appreciated by the parents of the kids that I coached and maybe even the coaches. I think they want me back.

So will I be back? The first question is, "was I inspired as I hoped I would be?". The answer is yes. I'm good at it, and I definitely have a passion for it. So with that said it is my intention to coach again. The next question is if it will be at the same school.

The school is really the perfect situation for me, I don't like being a favorite and relish the underdog role. What I don't like is feeling resigned to a certain fate. I'm not sure the staff really believes that they can overcome their obstacles. And maybe they can't, but what's the use of sport if you can't believe you can over come. Plus I really want a bigger role next year. I'm not sure it's available for me at this school.

So while the bigger question is answered it introduces a number of smaller ones. But that is good, as it sets me off on a course. Direction, some framework of moving forward. Afterall that was the goal of the experiment.

The great track expiriments final days

Well tomorrow is the sectional prelims up in Alexandria. My girl high jumpers will be competing. They will need to either take first or second or reach a height of 5'4" to continue on to state. There are four state wide elite jumpers in this section, that means girls who have already jumped a height of 5'4" or higher. So while it's possible that a lower height will still get you to state it's unlikely.

I will be bringing three girls to compete. One of the difficulties of the sectionals is that the goal is simply to identify the two girls (or more if they attain qualifying height) who will go on to compete at the state meet. It logically follows that you'd start the event at a height that would eliminate as many girls as possible quickly while not narrowing the field so far you risk eliminating a better jumper. So as such the starting height is higher than all other meets to this point. It's sad in a way as lesser jumpers who are still quality jumpers and had been scoring points for their teams all year may not even make the first height. But that is the way it goes. My third jumper is a girl such as this, and while she should would normally have a great shot at a personal best, this meet is difficult for that to happen for her as her personal best is the starting height. So she needs to be sharp right away. Typically a jumper will start 2-4 heights under their personal best just to get acclimated and work out any kinks before they need to be at top form. So my third jumper for instance would normally start at a normal opening height of 4' and move up two inches at a time.

My second jumper is a very solid jumper. She is a senior and so this is likely to be her last competition. When she was a sophomore she jumped 5' and hasn't made it since. We've been very close the last three meets. The problem she normally has is that once she gets to the 4'10" or 5' mark she has to go run an event, and she loses potential leaping ability. This meet because it is a prelim event she will be able to stay fresh. My hope for her is that she attains that 5' level once again before she's 'retired'. An advantage she has is that she is so solid she normally doesn't miss until her final heights. The first tie breaking criteria is misses. And so she can place very well if she makes that 5' height. It will be a great way for her to go out. Plus if she does make that height it's possible she gets lucky and sneaks into the meet. I have seen two of the four elite jumpers not make 5' in a meet, so it's possible for her.

My first jumper is one of the four elite jumpers in the region. If everyone jumps at their best she should pull out a second and make it to state. But she is a sophomore and these heights are fairly new to her as her best last year was 4'10" I think. She has gained consistency in her vertical leap but her take off spot wanders. At higher heights there is less room for error. so my fingers are crossed. In each of the last three meets she has found a way to jump 5'2" or 4" and so i hope she will do so here. but I'm relying on her athleticism as the training and consistency isn't there to support the heights yet. If she does achieve her personal best or take second I'll be coaching for another week...maybe.

Maybe??

The issue does arise between sections and state that only a few athletes move on, and the full coaching staff is usually not required. It looks very much like while there are a number of athletes that have a chance to continue on, only my high jumper will actually be favored to go on. So it's possible that the only athlete moving on is mine. What then. I'm volunteer, and cannot not coach without a school representative in attendance (another coach). so that makes me a little unnecessary, why not just push me aside and coach yourself if you have to be there anyway. You might think that since I've been coaching all season that logically I'd need to finish a job, but ego's and such don't work that way. I'm crossing my fingers, it will be telling to see if I'm wanted back next year based on how they handle the last week. but really that's a little counting my chickens before they hatch. With four elite jumpers she may do well and still not make it.

I said "I just took up walking,
can we do a little talking
since we're both headed up the same big hill."

She said "well I guess it's better
than alone so it don't matter
if we stroll together up this same big hill.

so our talking got much stronger
and the walking slowly wandered
as we made to the top of that hill

and with our hearts growing fonder
and wanting to linger longer
we rolled back down that same big hill

so we're sitting at the bottom
with her hair and dress unbuttoned
and we laughed at least an hour I suppose

and now she walks much closer
so that there's not enough road fer
my feet to walk the way they use to go

I suppose thats just the price
for being oh so nice
and rolling down the hill with her that day.

And now we're coming to road divided
is she left or right decided
all I know is that I'm going the other way.

to catch the rain
one drop at a time
and let them roll around
they feel each finger
and hang on for a moment
and plummet to the ground

and cast aways
not soon forgotten
linger far far too long
and you wonder
was the mistake
in trying, or trying to be gone.

and such are days
when you think of things,
that are far far away
but still so close
you feel their breath
and it touches, it lingers, it stays

and I might have been forgotten
once or twice
or more I'm sure
but I might have left a little something
that ran back
neath closed door.

but what really dies completely
with love
and friends so few
when memories,
and goodbye things
are rain drops clinging still

I only meant to talk to you.

I only meant to talk to you,
not your clothes, your job or shoes.
but the machine inside that rattles and grooves
that makes you move
the way you do

to breathe in slow
to let it go
to exhale ... deeply
to let it flow

I only meant to talk to you,
not you're papers, and things you do
but things still hidden through and blue,
that make you hope
that love is true,

that waits for the sun
when rain clouds come
and dries the tears
too tired to run.

I only meant to talk to you,
to walk with you,
to be with you.

Update

Well it's been a while since I updated any of my going ons. So I thought I'd catch people up.

Running. I've been running 2-3 times a week. Not too far, maybe 1-2 miles of running with another 1+ miles of warmup and warm down walking. My conditioning has improved but as I thought I'm really too heavy to support too much. And so while I got a little crazy for about a week I learned my lesson. I'll need to get serious about the diet soon.

Diet. I have not been dieting. My lunch today was 1 1/2 qts of rocky road. Yes I ate that much. And my dinner thus far was two beef pot pies. Yumm. Hardly lo-carb fare. But I'm watching my budget and a lo-carb diet is a little more spendy. Of course I was able to splurge for the ice cream, and I do seem to hit the DQ a few times a week and the coffee shop about four times a week (but only coffee, the cheaper stuff). So I could do it. But the good news is that I'm not gaining weight. so I'm about halfway to my goal and holding.

Coaching. Up and down (no high jump pun intended). The athletes are doing well. The five I have left heading into sections this week are at the top of their games. So I'm pretty happy. Of course the goal for me was to see if I still have passion for coaching. And indeed I do, and I'm good at it. The downside, it's been so long since I've done anything I've had a passion for I forgot how intense I can be. Nobody can really match my level of commitment. I think it's why I've done well in leadership positions. However that doesn't work well with other coaches. The biggest obstacle I face in helping these kids to excel is the team system and self imposed limits set by the head coaches themselves. It's difficult for me to watch kids who are working so hard to be limited by the people that are suppose to be leading the way. I just have to remind myself that it is a job for these guys, and they have families and stuff. It really has me a bit stuck about what to do for next year. I'm vested in the kids and so don't want to change schools, but at the same time I think it's a self defeating team structure. I might be better off finding another system that is more focused on achievement, and one that pays. it's too bad because it's a pretty talented coaching staff, but if they're not willing to do what it takes to get to the next level, I can't see it happening.

Job Search. Well I'm into it now. Resumes are going out. I've come to the conclusion that it's not the job so much as the schedule and the flexibility that's offered. I want to be able to coach. That's the bottom line. I'll be looking for a weekend shift in manufacturing, maybe a QA job since that will have a path that can yield more money without more physical effort. Also I'll probably consider different sales options. I'm OK at it and they can offer flexibility if it's the right thing. I've considered going back to school for teaching. And I haven't ruled it out, but coaching does seem to satisfy me in that direction, I'm not sure that I need to get so immersed in the education system. And I don't want to be a head track coach so I don't need that in.

Music. Well this is interesting. I haven't been very focused on this lately with track and face book but yet I seem to be making interesting strides in this area. I've been jamming on the bass most Fridays with my brother and his friends, it has come back quite well. I can't say that I'm anywhere near where I was back in the day, but it's coming back much quicker than I thought it would. My ear is just starting to come around, and my timing is leaping forward quickly now. I'm not sure if I want to do anything with the bass playing or not. I'd need a decent bass and setup, so that's like $1200 to get rolling. I could get by with what I've got, but probably not at the level I'd like to start at. Writing wise I got an unexpected boost, a friend of mine had a digital recording device he hasn't been using and so he borrowed it to me. It's not so plug and play friendly tho so I need to do some studying. The manual is 143 pages of sheer excitement. The other thing I've been doing is trying to set up coffee shop gigs for various artists at the local coffee shop. It helps the lady who owns and runs the coffee shop, the artists by providing a place to play and me because it's interesting and fun to do.

All in all I'm quite happy with the direction of things. I think since I decided to create a life that suits me better my life has been improving. The greatest disappointment is probably in how resistant to change some people are. I really thought that aligning myself with my inner self would bring me closer to certain people in my life. Instead it has been quite the opposite. I guess you're only entitled to that certain little corner that people have placed you in. They don't like it when you change, and don't quite fit that niche anymore. well such is limits, friendships and family.

The other thing that is interesting to me, is how difficult it is for people to deal with genuine dialogue. If you talk to them without pretense, which you think would be good, really fucks with them. i guess there's no time for connecting with folks anymore. Just sliding by each other, trying not to touch.

i think when you drop the crap, the pretending, the hyping yourself up for goals and such that really don't matter to you, and focus on what really matters to you, you kinda turn yourself inside out. You approach people differently, you talk to them differently. You don't try to hide who you are as much. Intimacy, is what it really is, just not in a sexual way. I think people don't know how to deal with it. for some, while it should be a easier more natural communication is more taxing. If they're not in that same place i suppose it's more difficult to dance around. For other people, I don't think they can separate this kind of intimacy from sexual. It makes it weird for them. All in all I just don't think people can deal with it. But if I feel old in anyway, besides the creakiness, it's that I just don't have time for pretense. I really feel that my time left on this planet is much more limited than it should be. Call it premonition, not so much a sense of doom, as I'm kind of OK with it, but I'm thinking ten years tops and I'm done. I'd like to spend the end connected. And if it goes on longer than expected then I'm better off anyways. It's all good.

blabbity blab blab blab

Sometimes i just feel like writing. Usually if I wait long enough the feeling will pass, but occasionally it lingers just long enough for the right time. Also, usually the inspiration drives from a need to say something. That's when it's easy. Mostly once i start it finds form quickly and just jumps right from my brain through my fingies and into bits and fragments that sometimes make sense. Other times, and very rarely I might add, I simply want to write and I've got nothing pressing to say. That's a time like this.

So whilst you might be waiting for some point, or revelation or the more likely drivel that I constantly produce, today no such luck. So while it's possible that I will find direction and follow that footprint by pressing mine into it to see if there is another, it's not likely to happen. So really you're just wasting your time. Although the very fact that you're here and reading this proves that quite possibly you're a bit masochistic in this way. good for you.

And just so you're all aware I've just decided that everyone but me is stoopit. I apologize if you're a part of the group everyone. I know you can't help it. And I'm getting a little peeved about it, if you wanted to know because it's making me look a tad bit foolish. I mean who wants to be the only one that's not like everyone else. I can see the fingers pointing. So I'm a freak. Big deal. We're all freaks. It's just that I'm a freak because I'm better than everyone else.

There's something liberating about writing a blog that no one reads. You can pretty much say anything. Who'd know, who'd care. I don't even really care, if truth be known.

An interesting observation, been thinking about old people and their bad driving. Because I'm approaching oldness and wondered about when that transition starts. I think I've figured it out. I think it starts in direct proportion to the degree to which you just don't give a fuck what other people think. I think old people drive just fine, they drive like crap because, well, they just don't care what you think and could care less if they get fucked up in an accident. They'll probably die anyway and it's a hell of a lot better way to go than dying of pneumonia while you're recovering from a hip replacement in some sterile hospital. So it's really just a great big middle finger with just not as much physical effort. Just what I think.

Oh, and getting old, my frikken eyesight!! WTF My arms aren't long enough. I'm developing monkey toes just so I can hold things far enough away to read them. and I'm short, I'm going to run out of limbage soon. I just made up that word. I'm going to make up a whole sentence with made up words.

hmmm, nuked my bean squishuid and hotulgated the brewteroma to a scintillation upwartude of satisfixiation, now I gotsta aquire.

Hey, when did the 'Me generation' become the 'and give me yours too generation'? Do you think the existential movement of the sixties and seventies anticipated the extreme shallowness of people? hands across America, the Pepsi generation. what a disaster that turned out to be. Everyone thinking for themselves. I think existentialism really requires someone with depth of thought, someone who can think things through and see the bigger picture. It wouldn't be so bad if people acted for themselves if maybe they understood basic ideals like give and you shall receive. But mostly they just want and so they take. And really I don't mind serving another if what they're all about is something bigger than themselves. Even a community business has something to offer, but if all I'm really doing is diverting money so one guy or a handful can live like gluttonous pigs, I just can't do it. I'm cool if they have a little more than others, but when we start talking billions and shit like that, I can't do it. i want to be a part of something bigger, something that creates more than it consumes. Is that too much to ask?

I went to the bookstore a couple of days ago, killing a little time. I thought I'd look for a self help book, couldn't find them, finally I asked for help. Thank you I'll be here all week.

Anyway, I really was, so I was trying to find some books on the authentic you. You know uncovering your true nature and building a life around who you actually are. And you know I'll be damned if every book was about how to change and be somebody else. no wonder we're all fucked up. What kind of a message is that. we're all so unhappy with our lives we think it's because we're fucked up and need to change. No, man we're OK. it's the lives we've put ourselves in that is fucked up. I blame it on the self help books. somehow if we say the right things, and treat people a certain way they'll give us what we want. How frikken manipulative. and now no one trusts anyone elses motives and nobody gets what they want or need. a bunch of bullshit.

I think movies like paying it forward, try to reverse it, but really the fuckupedness has gone way beyond. Now if you serve, and help it doesn't spread like some idealistic movie. All you are is just one person that isn't trying to screw another, it doesn't spread, it takes the pressure off another for a brief second as they breathe a sigh of relief and prepare themselves for the next assault on the last vestiges of their sanity. you almost have to hermit yourself if you want to not participate in the craziness. People are so protective of themselves and their psyche's they can't engage. Like if you engage their inner minds you're going to rip out that last little piece of self that hasn't been compromised. We're all shut ins because we've all been shut out. crazy times.

Angst abounds. Extreme absurdity. We dance to say we're dancing and now no one wants to dance because they feel they have to, and no one dares stop. And so we dance mechanically, and we robotize our lives and can't shut off that little part of our minds that creates the music worth dancing to, but we can't listen to that music else we throw off the robot dance, misstep and face the ridicule.

I think that needs to be a poem. While at the book store I stopped by the poetry aisle. It's not really a whole aisle, maybe two cabinets of shelves. And I've got to say that poetry sucks, just a little. much is unreadable. yucko stuff. Most is more prose. Not really even poetry if you ask me, just maybe placed in stanzas, tricked up a bit with stupidly placed punctuation and line breaks. maybe a capital in a weird place. Here I'll try it with that last paragraph and see what happens.

we Dance to say
we're dancing
And now,
no one wants to

Dance.
because they have to.
no one dares to stop.

And so we Dance,
mechanically,
we robotize our lives
and

can't shut off.

That little part of our brains
that we
Make the Music
worth dancing to.

we can't.

Listen to the Music.

else,
we throw off the robot Dance

misstep.

face the ridicule.

Sadly that may turn out to be the best poem I've done. I didn't know it was that easy. Well on that note, I'll call it a night.

Kris Wins

Well america has spoken, and of course as if George W being elected twice didn't prove it, Americans are stupid.

Anyway, great show. I really liked it, and the new host chick, is hot, and can sing. didn't know.

I think all ten finalists will have decent careers. I'm thinking Kris and Alexis with mega stardom, but Adam a longer lasting career ripping up broadway forever.

AI finals

Well the end is finally drawing near. And I must say that it maybe went about two weeks too long for me. Not that it's anti-climactic or anything, I really don't know how the public will vote. Adam's the type of performer that will create nearly as many haters as fans so his vast advantage in talent is compromised.

For that reason, perhaps it feels a little over. We still have the drama of the finding out who the champ is, but we pretty much know all we're going to know about the finalists. Adam is crazy talented albeit too theatrical, and Kris is smooth and connects well, although shrinks a little to better talent. They'll both do well A.I. after idol.

The only comment I want to make about the show, is that horrendous song we had to listen to twice. I mean c'mon, did they even consider the finalists when picking that song. It was clearly suited for a country Diva only. Hello! Adam and Kris, not close to that. Adam needed to slow it down a hair, and Kris needed some rewiting, his range was not suited to that song. And the lyrics, who writes that crap. It's like formalaic writing ala Dawn of the Dead, just searching for a musical soul to shread. yucko

to those few blog readers who had to put up with my AI addiction, thank you and I'm sorry.

What I've learned.

First off, clarity comes in fleeting glimpses. Little teasers pinballed out of the way by things of preprogrammed importance. Which of course makes it difficult to build upon or act on, since as soon as you take a step forward life happens and the clarity is dissipated like a smoke ring at last call. But like last call, leaves us a little affected knowing we must be moving soon, stumbling about to somewhere, reluctantly giving into a lack of better options. And so for a moment I see clearly, and can maybe save this thought to be built upon when another moment of clarity appears through this smoke filled barfly life.

Angst abounds. I don't know if it's the pressures of the economy, or if its just that so many people I know are around my age, dealing with dashed illusions, promises made to a generation gone by that seemingly just didn't apply to ours. Regardless, I just don't know anyone not dealing with severe angst, and self doubt. We are a sick lot, if angst were alcohol we'd be lying in a gutter, begging for change for just one more drink of disillusionment.

Of course so am I. I am lost. In the great bar in the back streets of life, I am a barfly.

I think the first moment of clarity came much earlier than now, a realization that I really don't fit, and that all efforts to plug into the real world have left me a little more adrift, a little more out of sorts. A blog reader wouldn't have to read long to know this to be true.

What I realized was that societies definition of success just didn't fit, it was unfulfilling, uninspiring. I just didn't care about the carrot, the prizes offered, it wasn't a game I wanted to win. But that discovery was troubling. Because what then.? What now? Now what?

The second great moment of clarity came shortly thereafter. It's easy to spend much time pondering when adrift in a seemingless endless sea. And so I thought. And I considered. And nothing came to me. I simply didn't want anything. I didn't want to accomplish anything. I was left without direction, without inspiration, without purpose. And it suddenly dawned on me, that as a generation we've been taught to define ourselves by stuff, by titles, by rising on the ladder of the newly redefined Reaganesk version of the American Dream. We are what our portfolios say we are, we are worth what our home appraisal, and toys suggest we are worth. We are our boats, our houses, our Ipod, I phone, our cars, our houses, and our 401K. We are no longer people, with feelings, with dreams, with needs, instead; numbers, statistics, failures and successes. Angst ridden successes and failures. More failure, than success. Even success, seemed short lived, unfulfilling and in the end angst ridden. Cirrhosis of the soul.

And so in that second moment of clarity it seemed to me that what was really important was how we feel, how we love, and how we live. Yet our actions, our goals, and activities did not improve our underlying selves. Our basic needs, our humanity was starved. We got drunk on goodies and concoctions that just weren't good for us, and our selves. And our selves died of malnutrition. And our drunkenness turned from good times to poison.

In all good goals the bottom line is served. This basic business principle is the foundation of all buzzword management ideas, such as lean manufacturing. The idea is that an idea is good only so much as it increases the bottom line. In life, all goals are only good so much as they achieve the underlying desire. Basic emotional needs. Not pieces of paper, not stuff, but love, friendship, safety, peace, excitement, mattering. These are the things that are truly important, that if you feed will nourish you and strengthen you. And so it dawned on me in this second moment of clarity, that a goal was meaningless unless you could tie it back to a basic emotional need of importance. The bottom line items of life.

And so that set me on a journey for inspiration, a test run so to speak, a chance to see what things matter most to me. And there was success, but with that another moment of clarity which has led me to this post.

The bottom line items of life do not wait. You can not put them away. You can not hide from them. You can stuff them in a closet for a while, but they are not quiet things. They will rattle, scream, whimper, demand and throw tantrums every time you walk by that closet. They will pester you until you let them out, when they come out they will be angry, they will be vengeful, and then you must deal with them. If ignored, if not treated as a bottom line item, if pushed off as secondary to misguided goals will derail at every chance they have. Because those things are life. You can try and ignore them, you can remain intoxicated on lies of abundance, you can be a barfly to life. But you can not flourish, you can not be truly healthy until you put these things front and center. If you make them your bottom line items. If you decide to live.

And so in this moment of clarity, I learned what has oft been said, but now I see clearer. Life is not one goal after another. Life is a journey, life is happening everyday, all the time. Bottom line needs are relevant every second of the day, and they are the most important things every second of the day. Life must be lived to enhance the journey, and not to delay it, not to push it aside for stuff and sideways accomplishments. Not to stay inebriated on false promises and false goals that do not nourish the soul, but to shove aside the crutch, the concoction that destroys, and to feed your true self.

The difficulty, the necessity, is honesty. Being honest with yourself, what really matters to you. What makes you happy, what satisfies the you. It doesn't have to pretty. It doesn't have to have an ounce of altruism. It can be shallow, or deep. It can be needy, or selfish. Ultimately it has to be selfish. But it must be true, and it must be you.

Broken

If she said to me, "I love you"
i would not believe.

If she took me home,
I would follow

If she made love to me
I would kiss her as tenderly,
or as passionatly
or as violently
as she desired.

If she asked me to call
I would call

Many things I would do,
as I know how
and they are good things to do.

But if she said, "I love you"
that I would not believe.

Although I think I know what love is,
I don't know what it means
when someone says i love you.
When questions are phrased so cleverly
with such exhaustive fine print.

Dark days.

I think I know
And this knowing has come at great cost.

Why poets die penniless and alone.
Why great artist are little more than vagabonds while alive.

Why some pursuits are worthwhile
Why others are not.

I think I know.

I think I know
what my life will be like when I will die,

I think I know
what has meaning,
what makes sense
what does not.

and I think I know
real meaning
and real value.

and I think I know
what others think of me

And while I think I know
I am ridiculed for what I am not

I know
the only thing of value
I can leave behind
is the clearest picture
of who and what I am.

It is the only thing
I know for sure

I said it.

On Cookies and School and the loving we do.

Oh the beautiful shapes,
the sizes,
colors, and style.
The infinite possibilities of creative thought.
We ever so gently
pick them up,
and kiss them
and nurture them,
and love them as they are.
And slowly place them in the mold.
and we turn the screw to the press,
one day at a time,
one lesson at a time,
one correction and admonishment at a time.
until finally they pop out.
Perfect little cookie cutter,
perfect little cookies.
A little lost here,
a little creativity squished out there.
Our own little priceless mutations.
so much better than the mutants that refused the mold.
Half squished, have formed.
Hideous and useless.

A4 Results

Wow.

Unexpected, but as I said anything could happen. But what a fitting goodbye song for Allison, with tears streaming down her cheeks, on her way home seeing Cry Baby - Welcome back home.

And so we get the finale' with Adam, Kris, and Danny.

AI 4

I didn't get to watch it last night, and so had to watch the vids today.

Lambert is so fuckin' talented it's scary. I think though there might be an anti Lambert movement out there. I think as it boils down, the votes go to everyone else but Adam. It could make it tough.

I think if you went by the performances from the show it was clearly the Adam and Allison show. I was less than impressed with both Kris and Danny. I'm surprised at how uncomfortable they both seemed with Rock night. I believe it will cost Kris.

Beast:

Adam. If you watched it, no explanation necessary.

Rest:

Allison. i think she did well, and while I get that she could have picked a better song, I think she performed well, unlike the other two.

Least:

Danny. Clearly the worst of the evening. did not come up with a winning arrangement or approach. however I think he's too strong in this competition to be in danger.

Kris. He needed to kill tonight. He did poorly. can't see him making the finals.

having said that, voting is weird. anything can happen after 5.

running.

I went for a run today, covered a lot of ground. But luckily someone came by and helped me up.

I'll be here all week.

My spacebar is malfunctioning. That sucks very muchly. A lot of back spacing. it's cramping my style.

Actually I am improving my conditioning. I can probably only make it about a mile non-stop, but it's much more comfy. I'm running a total of two miles with a break or two mixed in. I'm getting out about three to four time a week lately. I should probably trim that back to two to three, but I'm going to go with it aslong as the motivation is with me.

Now if I'd get back on my diet and lose some weight.

The art of teaching.

Delivering just what is needed when the student is least able to ask for it or accomplish it themselves.

or

The art of removing bureaucracy and compliance from the task of learning.

Betrayal, and the art of irresponsibility.

I don't know when I realized I was different from everyone else. I used to joke that what made me different was that i was so perfectly normal. Of course, at this point in my life i realize how absurd that really is.

The older I get, the more 'out there' I feel. And oddly enough (no pun intended) the more out there I feel I need to get to be free. To feel complete with myself and my world.

I think as I look back at things I've done, how they turned out and how they might have turned out, the answer becomes more clear. All my adventures started out innocently enough, full of all the usual promise and hope of a great life changing undertaking. But gradually, some thought or pressure of compliance kicks in. My dreams slowly get hijacked by thoughts of what I ought to be doing, and who I ought to be responsible for and to. And I fail. One after another all the same.

A creative brain can not be tethered to function properly and completely.

I think if I could look back and see that all these compromises culminated in some great career, or family life, or other serendipitous outcome, i could smile at all the silly detours and adventures. But always, I'm disappointed in myself, and my resolve to put my vision ahead of life's pressures. And always I come crashing back to a way of life that I do not fit in. Like a paddle ball smashing into the paddle; one wrist flick at a time.

And so now, after smashing into the paddle so many times, and feeling the rubber band stretching a little once more, I wonder if this is the time I stretch it a little too far? Is this the time that the rubber band breaks and i am no longer tethered to one head smashing fall to earth after another.

And if this be the time that I finally gain my freedom, if this be the time i soar with no rebound to fear, what does that mean? Will I be free? Or will i be as useless and lost as a paddle ball sans paddle?

Poetry and lies.

The dance and music of nature.
The damp memory of a spring drizzle
awakening the breath of new life.
So much promise, and hope that can lift away
so much construct and angst.
Hypnotized to peace.

One frog to another, "fuck me",or "get away, far away"
sounds so much the same.
The rot of fall limbs that succumbed to autumn bluster.
And feces frozen through winter, now decaying.
hastened by new rain.
How poetry transforms stench.

And i do like it. It is true. I side with poets.
I believe in their desire to believe.

But even so, as

One set of sensory overload is replaced by another.

Which is truer, which is more real?

The poet in me sides with nature,

the reality
of what must be left behind,
and what must be dealt with says another.

AI 5 Results

Hmmm...

Well the outcome was as expected. Matt is done. I thought his final performance was done very well. But it was a bit surprising to see Adam in the bottom three.

I'm not sure what to think of all that. Could it simply be a Daughtry kind of result with Adam being so far ahead that his supporters have grown lethargic, or is theatrical twist a bit of a turn off for too many.

The other thing I think it shows is that with Anoop and Lil going home last week the great benefactor of their absence and their voters might just be Allison. And I guess that shouldn't be surprising as that leaves her as the only female, the only minority (kind of), and the obvious recipient of the grandma vote.

I still think that Adam is the front runner, although he does seem fallible now. My order going into week 4:

Adam
Danny
Allison
Kris

It appears to be anybody's to win. It'll be a great final stretch run.

Breakfast invitation.

A bowl, sliced bananas covered with Frosted Flakes.
Tony Tiger Terrific.
My favorite, left out just for me.
But who knows this about me?
Who'd leave this here, knowing I'd be by if it weren't meant for me?
Nobody would know this.
It's not for me.
It belongs to another,
someone who stepped out to fetch a spoon,
or a glass of orange juice.
But not for me.
But then somebody just like me, maybe someone who likes the same things.
With tastes for flakes and nanners?
A match, and a Grrrrreat one at that.
I'll wait. With spoon in hand, eager.
But not so close, how rude.
But milk makes flakes wilt if left so long.
Watching,waiting. Hungry.

On Ripples

It is quite interesting to see how the ripples of an event affect those further out from the first rings. wings of a butterfly. More interesting, and more dynamic and unpredictable though, is what happens when many smaller ripples seemingly unrelated converge. sometimes unexpectedly. All sorts of weird water events can occur, sometimes there is a big splooge of water that erupts as these things come together.

i remember when i lived in Monterrey, watching waves, occasionally a big wave would come out of nowhere, double or triple the size of all others. no explanation. it just happens. At least once a year one of these would jump up and grab someone off of the shore and carry them away.

In creating art we sometimes like to capture the ripples of an event. we have control as artists. But it also makes us predictable, and mechanical in our creation, as A often follows B by necessity. what's more interesting is to create secondary ripples and see how they interact with the main element. Far more difficult to create, and less predictable to both the artist and the reader. It's very difficult to capture the splooge, and present it in a believable fashion. but far more interesting.

Not that it's a surprise at all, like the waves in Monterrey you could see them develop, you just couldn't believe it or control it, you just stopped and watched, and waited for the explosion of wave against stone. and really sometimes it takes both a great main event and a great set of secondary events to create great art. Great complexity portrayed with great simplicity yet communicating extraordinary nuance, is magic.

Much like a great surfer, is nothing without a great wave. and a poor surfer is nothing even with a great wave. both things need to come together, and then it's magic.

AI 5 Rat Pack Standards

Nice night. They seemed to get better as the evening went on. Kris looked solid, and then Allison looked great. Matt was odd, I think it was the arrangement. He sang really well though. But Danny and Adam were definitely in a different league.

Beast:

Adam. I really don't know how much the theatrics is going to hurt him. He's so much more talented than everyone else it might not matter. But in the end it's about who America likes the best and not who's most talented. Right now, I'll say that when he sings you forget about every one else. And i think that's a huge thing in his favor.

Danny. I think Jamie fox pulled him back a bit, and force him to use his strength which is connecting with the audience. it was a big step in the right direction that clearly separates him from all but Adam. And if America wants true pop and not Broadway, Adam may not have a great advantage once this thing boils down.

No least tonight, only the rest.

Kris. solid but safe. i think he missed a great chance, a better arrangement with more dynamic horns would have really helped him. He's never going to give a powerful memorable performance with just his vocals. He'll need something else to provide that and use his voice as contrast. I think he's safe, but bottom three for sure.

Allison. I think she's coming to the end. she does well, but she needs to lose the add on phrase of "for a sixteen (17) year old". And I don't see it. these other kids are just solid. she needs to stand up on her own to get much deeper. i predict she makes it one more week. But without a killer performance next week coupled with a poor showing from a contender, she's one week from going home.

Matt. he started pressing a few weeks ago. And he hasn't lost the look of desperation. I think he goes home. And i think he should feel good about it. Everyone left is really a monster, including him. Someone has to go right?

so there you have it.

A very fun weekend. (or a lot of T&A)

Track and Athletes

Friday was a nice start to the weekend. It started with the Hamline elite meet invitational. As mentioned in a previous post one of my high jumpers qualified for this meet. There were twelve girls entered and she would have of course been the twelfth seed with a 5'3" entry. She ended up jumping 5'2" which is off her best, but still very good since the heights are new to her. She doesn't yet have the consistency to jump at her best every time. A big part of it was the weather. It was a little windy, but mostly it had become a little cold and that can play into it. But even with her jump she still managed to place 5th. A very nice job for a girl who only a month ago was hoping to get to 5 feet.

Another cool feature to this event is that it's a good snapshot as to what to expect at state if you get there. There are a few more jumpers that weren't at the meet for one reason or another but the state meet is split into two classes. So you really do end up with a similar field although one could argue the very best jumpers are split and maybe the state meet is easier than this one to get a decent place.

Talent & Absence there of.

The next part of the weekend was a nice Karaoke party at Fifi's place. She lives in a high rise community and they had a nice event. She invited me to attend since she knows I enjoy singing a little. It was a little different crowd then I'm used to, older so the song choice was a little subdued. But still I had a blast, and I wasn't as terribly rusty as I thought I'd be. I also met some very nice community members that Fifi lives with.

Track Again

Saturday was seemingly a repeat of Friday. Hamline had a day two which was a relay day. We had two girl relays entered and two boys entered. Even though I am the high jump coach and my entrant was done Friday, I am still heavily involved and interested in the outcome for our team, so I went along. We had a great day with all teams making great improvements and all placing well.

The other T&A

Saturday was Fifi's b'day celebration and so I headed over for that. It was a very nice party, and I was able to see people I hadn't seen in a very long time. Plus Fifi showed everyone her ass and boobs. No one knows why, but she did it repeatedly. Tequila??

Cool Day

Well the coaching is going along swimmingly, i mean runningly, er I mean jumpingly. We were hoping to qualify one of my high jumpers for this weeks elite meet. We thought she might get in with a qualifying jump of 5'3" as that would have been good enough last year. Unfortunately this year required 5'4". :(

But the sun was shining and fate was on our side and one of the jumpers who had qualified pulled out and my jumper qualified. It was doubly sweet as in today's meet she jumped a new personal best of 5'4". Meaning had she been one week faster she would have qualified anyway. But how tough would it have been to miss this meet knowing you were good enough. So yay us.

I feel very lucky. The last time I coached was twenty some years ago. My last year I also had an elite jumper. It's very rare, you're talking about one of the maybe top 10-12 in the whole state. that's a lot of schools and a lot of jumpers. The thing is that you don't create elite athletes, you uncover them. It requires coaching sure, but also a lot of luck. What's extra cool is that she's only a tenth grader. Not that she can go much higher but she has two more years to perfect her jump. If she can find another four inches over the next two years she could be a state champ. Not bad.

The coaching is going well. I'm not sure what the other coaches think of me, I'll probably quiz them in the next few weeks, but I'm having a blast. The middle school coaches have pawned off their high jumpers on me, and I think it's great. So altogether I'm working with close to twenty kids.

I'm starting to wonder about the future. I'm getting vested in these kids, and I don't know if I'll be able to coach next year. I don't know if they'll want me back, or if I'll be working a job that won't let me continue. It's completely possible the school will get their funding for another coach and it will go to a past coach or someone internal and they won't have a need for my services. I guess I'll have to take that as it comes.

One kid told me he thinks I'm the best coach there. I know what it takes to be a good coach, and I'm quite sure I'm not as good as the two head coaches or the distance coach, and i know the weight coach is also doing very well, but it was still nice to hear.

AI 6 elimination.

Yessssss.

Final five:
Adam
Danny
Kris
Allison
Matt

AI 6 Disco Night

Well tonight we saw the last performances of two artists. The only question is which two get sent home. At this point I'm starting to see the same things week to week. And this group is so strong it will get more and more difficult to predict as they're all so talented, even the ones i don't like. So from Beast to Least:

Beast:

Adam. He's just showing off now. this was still a cool rendition of this song. i think it might have been a little stronger if he would have pulled back a little. Classic over acting if you ask me. But clearly started in another league and is letting no one in. Still his to win.

Kris. He get's better with his artistry every week. He's really showing something in that. He still comes off a bit forgettable, but i now look forward to seeing what he's going to come up with. and I think that at least keeps him interesting.

The Rest:

This next spot is a toss up between Danny and Allison, but I've got to believe Danny has a little more up his sleeve so he get's the nod.

Danny. Somewhere along the way he stopped connecting and went straight for performance. It's either going to do him in or it's brilliant. He'll need to connect to win this thing, and holding off on that will make it more powerful when he decides to turn it on. But is it a plan, or is he becoming a bit self-indulgent?

Allison. At least this didn't come off as karaoke this week. But it still was, it was just such a contrast in her style to the genre. But it's oh so safe, and she's oh so loved. So it should get her to the final four if she doesn't trip up. It will take a little more to get to the finals.

The Least:

Matt. He did OK. I thought the thing was a mess myself, but he performed well. and i completely agree with Simon in that he looked a little desperate and pressing. He was clearly better than Anoop or Lil, but he's getting his vote demographic washed out by the three other guys ahead of him.

Anoop. that was an incredibly boring performance. I don't care how well he sang it, I didn't recognize it and I couldn't imagine that song being on the radio the way it came off. But he keeps surprising me by staying alive.

Lil. sorry baby, you're just being out classed by great artistry. this group is just too good for you. But it was a good run.

AI week 7 NON-elimination night.

Well the bottom three was as I expected. The public chose for Matt to go home, based on performance probably the right choice. I would have sent Lil or Anoop before him but it is what it is. The judges however decided to intervene and used their one time save to keep him around for another week.

I'm not sure if I like the save. I think I like the intention of it, to correct an obvious anomaly. But this didn't seem like that. The three in the bottom to me, have defined themselves pretty clearly as also rans in this competition. Better to have used the save in the last week than to waste it on someone who won't win the competition. But they used it, and we will not have to wonder about the save again this year.

so wait til next week to send two home.

AI 7 recap

Once again I had to miss the actual show but was able to watch it on the AI site. of course i don't get the advantage of listening to the judges comments. maybe that's good, maybe not. But it is what it is.

Adam showed his sick self again. He's just in another league. I had thought maybe someone would be cutting into his lead but people seem to be faltering as he remains sharp. He gave a more memorable performance than the rest so I 'll put him in top spot this week. I was pretty disappointed with all the rest of the performances. They're trying so hard to be 'artistic' they're murdering the tunes. Lil rounds did well but was so yesterday in her styling it may as well have been karaoke. Allison likewise played way to safe. And Kris while singing one of the coolest songs of the season in 'falling slowly' proved that boring voices should not sing boring songs. I love the song, don't get me wrong but it's not the most dynamic song ever written, it really requires an interesting every man voice to pull it off, that's not Kris. Maybe Danny could have pulled that off. Anoop sang well but may as well change his name to A...sleep. so without further ado this weeks top seven in order from beast to least.

Adam. Over the top, but it's fine as he's just building his resume at this point. He won't need to slay and connect until finals. One or the other will do just fine for him at this point.

and all the rest

Danny. Not in love with this performance, just OK really, but sadly the best of the rest.

Kris. i very reluctantly put him here. He did well again, he does every week but he's just so damn boring.

And the least

Allison. Another karaoke version. this time very lame, she took every safe route offered in a song with a lot of opps to shine. she'll be OK because i think she's positioned well. but she better kill soon or people may make their minds up about her. and not to her favor.

Lil. she may be the one going home. she proves time and time again she just doesn't get it. I put her up here because I thought Matt was a mess and I think Anoop is the one to go home. But right now, when just two weeks ago I thought we'd have a strong finish, all three of these bottom dwellers look ready for the long bus ride.

Matt. What a mess of an arrangement. At least it was a little interesting which puts him ahead of mister Asnooze.

Anoop. I hope you pack well. Beautiful voice, but don't put the audience to sleep. who's going to call your number in if you just sang the nighty night lullaby to all your fans. So finally, my least favorite goes home, I hope. Although, contrary to what I thought the guy can actually sing, and very well. He may have a nice future, thinking about usable voices, his is very nice. Just like Kris really, but not as likable.