Books chapter two.

Yesterday i watched an interesting TED video. It was about work place incentive and motivation. The main point is that what science has know for decades business fails to incorporate. Science has found that rewards or punishment tied to achievement works very well for simple linear tasks such as putting more widgets in a box per hour. There is a direct positive correlation between reward and achievement for these kinds of things. But what they've also learned is that in more complex tasks these things have the opposite effect. As the motivation increases the outcomes decline. Counter intuitive sure but the experiments have been replicated over and over with similar findings. They've found that the more you create a creative environment and foster intrinsic motivations such as finding a larger purpose the better the outcomes.

This post isn't about business. It's really about the last post I had. About taking the next step. What the experiment showed, and what the conclusion they drew is, that the higher the incentive the more focuses on the outcome the individual became, the less likely that they were able to see the bigger possibility of solutions. Often times when we have a path we feel we must travel such as getting a better job, a complex task unless you know exactly what kind of job you want and where it is (then it becomes more linear) focusing on the outcome and what it means to you creates an environment for yourself where you are overly focused on outcomes and not as engaged in the process, you miss all the possibilities. You in essence deny the path or worse as is usual plow through trying to make your own path, your own road to nowhere. You confuse movement, with being on the right path and getting to a place that is right for you. And really if you don't stop to taste, smell, and feel where you are how can you ever realize what you like and what you want more of. How can you ever know where you want to go. And the sad reality is if we don't take this time to engage and experience and live and love where we are and who we are we can never ever know where it is we should be going. We can never choose the right path. We can never take the next step that makes our lives better.

Engagement in the process, learning to enjoy the journey is the key that turns the light on, that shines on the spot where your next step must land.

Books? What books?

So I have a few books. Maybe close to 400 of them. Not that I like to read so much, I mean I do but I'll maybe only read 4-5 in any given year. But i just love the actual books. As things. I like the thought that I'm holding some one's hard work and creative energy. Almost like I'm keeping it safe from demise. Somehow the fact that there are millions of other copies haven't factored into my psychosis. But really what i liked beyond the actual book was the hunt for them.

So at one point I thought I'd start collecting first edition books by storming garage sales here and there. I quickly accumulated my holdings and filled book cases to sagging shelved capacity, and bought even more.

So the thought was that i would sell them online and make a little profit to feed my passion for finding the books. However, I loathed the agonizing task of listing them for sale. I quickly realized that most of my time was going to be data entry and shipping and not hunting. It totally killed the buzz. But not the desire.

So today whilst killing a little time as the daughter did her last behind the wheel I walked into an antique store. I mentioned my experience as an obsessed book hoarder and my self imposed exile from my hobby. And they said, "why don't you rent a few shelves here so you can sell some and be able to buy more."

Angels sang, book worms turned. I pressed them and said that I had thought about antique stores but thought that only old decorative pieces would be appropriate. They said no they sell alot of books and all kinds. And so I think I'm back to garage sailing. Unfortunately the season is nearly past, but estate sales aren't so bad either. In fact in some respects better since you get the treasured books and not just the cast offs.

It's funny as I was talking to a friend last night I came up with a nice little existential saying that went like this, "Once you start down a path that connects with your inner soul, your feet will find the rest of the path" Never mind that inner soul is redundant, the point is that i allowed myself to dream for a second and my feet found the next step down a path. Just like magic. But maybe the lesson is that I engaged people while I was there, I harassed the customers and clerks bridging elevator like personal solitude and beginning unsolicited conversations. Without this interaction i never would have gained this insight.

More valuable maybe was another observation. An existential saying I like is that you should not worry about the path only the next step. But so often that kind of leaves me often with a 'now what' experience and not really any revelation or onward and upward opportunities. What I learned is that simply wandering into a path isn't enough. That merely is evidence of desire, it does not necessarily lead to the next step. You need to begin the journey sure, so it is critical that you step forward. So wandering into a path isn't enough to find the next steps, then what is? This is what i learned today: you must also engage in the surroundings. You can't simply stand still and look around, you must experience and engage. Critical component. I think I just became smarter.

eh.

It's been a month. I know I've been shirking my blogging duties. I'm sorry. It's just that i have nothing to say. I mean I do, but it just can't seem to find it's way loose from my noggin.

I can feel this bubbling gnawing angst building up, and it needs to say something. I've been waiting, and nothing. I think there have just been too many unexpected twists to the events of the past year, it's taking some time to come to grips with it all.


People that know me, or that think they do anyway, would know I've gone through a bit of crap. Some dark days. But oddly I've been very happy through most of it. As things got darker i got happier, I knew a new dawn was approaching and the darker it got the sooner the light would appear. More than that, a different day, one I hadn't seen before was on it's way. And now as the light is beginning to appear I'm feeling an odd sense of loss. I really can't explain it. Unexpected.

Oddly, my happiness has made me a bit toxic to a few. Again unexpected.

Maybe it's that I have to wait at least another year before I'm free to fly, and it's more like entering a sort of purgatory than moving on.

I've learned so much this past year; about myself, about others, where I fit, where i don't. While these narrower parameters should be of benefit when moving forward the truth is much much less then the imagined possibilities that held me down for so long. Try to make sense of that sentence.

You'd think choosing ones own path is perfect metaphor. Maybe too perfect as I travel with the same company. Unexpected.

I think also, when I began blogging I felt that there were people who needed to hear what was in my head. Somehow I thought sharing my thoughts, who I truly was might be beneficial, maybe even bring people closer in without having them here in my way. I think I was wrong about that. So now blogging seems just a little too self serving. I've never written for myself. Perhaps my writing would be better if I did.

Who knows what happens tomorrow right? I might write, I might not. Expect it.