And so the question goes around, "what are the pivotal points in you life"?
for me there is only one. It occured about 45 and a half years ago or so. I was born and I made that fateful decision to take my first breath. It's been all down hill since then.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Cut Here
So I've added a new lyrics of the week. It's another Cure song entitled, 'Cut Here'. I like how he takes something fairly simple and makes it interesting. It's also a nice explorations of the choices we make, how we prioritize, and possible futures we leave behind.
I think on the flip side if you turn it upside down; what do you give up by not making the hard choices? I'll explain lest I seem esoteric. All of life is making choices. You always give up something. In this case he gave up a potential relationship for his career. But if he had made the other choice, if he is truly an artist he would have given up the true essence of who he is. So while he laments the lost possibility bigger ones await because he made this hard choice. Avoiding a tough choice is the same as making one, and you give something up there too. I think too often we give up things that are best for us for things that harm us. And in the end everybody has less.
The hardest thing to do is to remove the invisible binds, to cut the cord. You have a place where you fit in everybody else's existence. And they'll demand that you occupy that space whether it's right for you or not. So changing, trying to be a more perfect you, pisses a lot of people off at a subconscious level. It makes the world not feel right for them.
Family's strike the worst bargains. What they expect from you, what they demand you give up is the essence of who your are. They detest growth, they don't allow for metamorphosing. They'll deny you your potential for what is comfy for them. Even if they don't like you. They are quite unhappy about you making changes. Upsets the apple cart, threatens the pecking order, orphans their jokes which you are the butt of. Yet, perhaps as cruel as they can be in this regard, it is this payment in soul that you are most willing to pay for the demands of blood binds.
The sadness in this is that, if you ignore them and grow in spite of their efforts to keep you as you were, in the end everybody is happier, and better off for your actions. When time has elapsed, and they give up on the notion that the old you will return, they will make a new place for you if you want it. And if you don't, then it is a sign you made a very good choice. You should be who you are, no matter who the audience. It's for everybody's good.
And so either way you may pay a price. Maintaining status quo, preserving comfort in the place others have for you, you give up a bigger better you. But by making the effort to be you, by cutting those binds you gain more and in the end build a new structure that is more appropriate for you and a much richer life for those in your life.
I think on the flip side if you turn it upside down; what do you give up by not making the hard choices? I'll explain lest I seem esoteric. All of life is making choices. You always give up something. In this case he gave up a potential relationship for his career. But if he had made the other choice, if he is truly an artist he would have given up the true essence of who he is. So while he laments the lost possibility bigger ones await because he made this hard choice. Avoiding a tough choice is the same as making one, and you give something up there too. I think too often we give up things that are best for us for things that harm us. And in the end everybody has less.
The hardest thing to do is to remove the invisible binds, to cut the cord. You have a place where you fit in everybody else's existence. And they'll demand that you occupy that space whether it's right for you or not. So changing, trying to be a more perfect you, pisses a lot of people off at a subconscious level. It makes the world not feel right for them.
Family's strike the worst bargains. What they expect from you, what they demand you give up is the essence of who your are. They detest growth, they don't allow for metamorphosing. They'll deny you your potential for what is comfy for them. Even if they don't like you. They are quite unhappy about you making changes. Upsets the apple cart, threatens the pecking order, orphans their jokes which you are the butt of. Yet, perhaps as cruel as they can be in this regard, it is this payment in soul that you are most willing to pay for the demands of blood binds.
The sadness in this is that, if you ignore them and grow in spite of their efforts to keep you as you were, in the end everybody is happier, and better off for your actions. When time has elapsed, and they give up on the notion that the old you will return, they will make a new place for you if you want it. And if you don't, then it is a sign you made a very good choice. You should be who you are, no matter who the audience. It's for everybody's good.
And so either way you may pay a price. Maintaining status quo, preserving comfort in the place others have for you, you give up a bigger better you. But by making the effort to be you, by cutting those binds you gain more and in the end build a new structure that is more appropriate for you and a much richer life for those in your life.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Weird night
Last night was weird, all night I kept waking up with Oliver, the schnoodle laying right by my head. I could have sworn he was whispering to me, but of course as soon as I woke up, nothing.
Anyway, I've got this incredible urge for Reese's peanut butter cups with caramel. Is there even such a thing? I was thinking of heading out tonight maybe do some window shopping, I think I might just stop at a store and see if they have such a thing. What a strange craving to have, I don't normally crave sweets like that, for me it's ice cream and cookies.
Later.
Anyway, I've got this incredible urge for Reese's peanut butter cups with caramel. Is there even such a thing? I was thinking of heading out tonight maybe do some window shopping, I think I might just stop at a store and see if they have such a thing. What a strange craving to have, I don't normally crave sweets like that, for me it's ice cream and cookies.
Later.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Schnoodle Here
Hey, just thought I'd check out what the fat guy writes on this thing. Lame-00. Obviously it's your first time reading this blog, who'd read it twice?? Oh man I got a good gig here. Do what ever I want. The fat guy works for me.
Guess what I got him doing now? Picking up poop!! Yep, that's right, he's got a bunch of paper towels and he's picking up poop...MY poop. That's fuckin' hilarious. Yeah, he came home from making some dough to buy MY puppy chow, thought he'd sit down and type on this here laptop before he took me out for a walk. so I dropped a couple of turds by the door. yeah, next time he'll pay attention...fat bastard.
God, he's whacked. He eats everything. You wouldn't frikken believe it. I even have to growl at him to make sure he doesn't eat my puppy chow. Do you believe it? I let him eat everything else, and I mean everything, and he still wants my damn chow. I made him work hard for that. He ain't getting none.
OOh, he's coming back, must be done pickin up the feces. Heh, I think I'll go confiscate one of his squeaky balls. He hates that, I bite him when he tries to get one. I don't really want the ball, I just like biting him.
Later,
The Schnoodle.
Guess what I got him doing now? Picking up poop!! Yep, that's right, he's got a bunch of paper towels and he's picking up poop...MY poop. That's fuckin' hilarious. Yeah, he came home from making some dough to buy MY puppy chow, thought he'd sit down and type on this here laptop before he took me out for a walk. so I dropped a couple of turds by the door. yeah, next time he'll pay attention...fat bastard.
God, he's whacked. He eats everything. You wouldn't frikken believe it. I even have to growl at him to make sure he doesn't eat my puppy chow. Do you believe it? I let him eat everything else, and I mean everything, and he still wants my damn chow. I made him work hard for that. He ain't getting none.
OOh, he's coming back, must be done pickin up the feces. Heh, I think I'll go confiscate one of his squeaky balls. He hates that, I bite him when he tries to get one. I don't really want the ball, I just like biting him.
Later,
The Schnoodle.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
They're trying to kill me, or it all started with one piece of Peach Pie.
Well, I've been having a difficult time getting back on the diet. Not that I'm off of it, but I'm not quite good enough to lose weight.
It all started two weeks ago. As you may recall my post about the evils of too much sauerkraut, well that very same night I also had a piece of peach pie ala mode. Since then I've been craving carbs constantly.
I know the feeling would go away within two or three days if I simply got back on my diet but it's tough. I actually did OK getting back on the carb horse but then a night out with the buddies ended with a piece of hot fudge drenched chocolate cake. Yummm. I haven't had a truly lo-carb day since. I haven't gorged on carbs either but man what I would do for New York Double Fudge Chunk. B&J.
This is the normal trials of any diet. The key is getting back to it before you give it all back. Wish me luck, and for heavens sake don't offer me any dessert!!
It all started two weeks ago. As you may recall my post about the evils of too much sauerkraut, well that very same night I also had a piece of peach pie ala mode. Since then I've been craving carbs constantly.
I know the feeling would go away within two or three days if I simply got back on my diet but it's tough. I actually did OK getting back on the carb horse but then a night out with the buddies ended with a piece of hot fudge drenched chocolate cake. Yummm. I haven't had a truly lo-carb day since. I haven't gorged on carbs either but man what I would do for New York Double Fudge Chunk. B&J.
This is the normal trials of any diet. The key is getting back to it before you give it all back. Wish me luck, and for heavens sake don't offer me any dessert!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Yesterday
When I was a kid one of my first favorite songs was Yesterday by the Beatles.
I like different lyrics for different reasons. Highly creative, story telling, painting pictures, all reasons i like songs. But some songs are just perfect in their simplicity. Yesterday is very straight forward with one very little hook. Yet it's one of the greatest songs of all time.
So it will be my lyrics of the week.
I like different lyrics for different reasons. Highly creative, story telling, painting pictures, all reasons i like songs. But some songs are just perfect in their simplicity. Yesterday is very straight forward with one very little hook. Yet it's one of the greatest songs of all time.
So it will be my lyrics of the week.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Esoteric he said.
I've been informed that my blogging becomes esoteric at times. I don't really know what that means. It's a word I've heard thrown around, I've avoided it's use because I don't fully understand it. It seems like it's one of those words that really can only be properly used by a select group of people with more knowledge of such things than myself.
I think perhaps that at times my writing can be a little abstruse, maybe inane, well mostly inane, but I don't know about esoteric. So what about my blogging becomes a little hard to easily grasp, a little one offish? I don't know.
I think perhaps as one ponders the mysteries of decay angst gains direction. What really are the choices. What do we do with that angst? Do we repackage it in a facade of contentment? And so I search, and I study, and I write. And writing like all art comes from thought and feeling. Anger, frustration, desire and ideas, sometimes having nothing to do with one another
Were I skilled perhaps each word like an artists brush stroke would be precise. But as I deal with malformed imperfection tubes are squeezed, canvas is blotted and paint pushed this way and that as I try and transfer this feeling to media. But truth be told, the clearer the picture, the less truthful the translation.
And so I sit, putting together a life with pieces from discarded puzzles. There is much to consider, mostly muddled, mostly thoughts smashed together trying to fit together what wasn't meant to fit. And the art of it all should be obscure, abstruse and maybe esoteric if it is to be truthful.
I think perhaps that at times my writing can be a little abstruse, maybe inane, well mostly inane, but I don't know about esoteric. So what about my blogging becomes a little hard to easily grasp, a little one offish? I don't know.
I think perhaps as one ponders the mysteries of decay angst gains direction. What really are the choices. What do we do with that angst? Do we repackage it in a facade of contentment? And so I search, and I study, and I write. And writing like all art comes from thought and feeling. Anger, frustration, desire and ideas, sometimes having nothing to do with one another
Were I skilled perhaps each word like an artists brush stroke would be precise. But as I deal with malformed imperfection tubes are squeezed, canvas is blotted and paint pushed this way and that as I try and transfer this feeling to media. But truth be told, the clearer the picture, the less truthful the translation.
And so I sit, putting together a life with pieces from discarded puzzles. There is much to consider, mostly muddled, mostly thoughts smashed together trying to fit together what wasn't meant to fit. And the art of it all should be obscure, abstruse and maybe esoteric if it is to be truthful.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Birthing
I've heard that writing, or creating anything for that matter is a bit like giving birth. First there's that glorious night of sex, when the project is set into motion. Pure excitement, no motivation needed. What's inside comes out and you don't care what it looks like:-)
But then you enter the rewrite, reworking phase. Just like the pregnancy. Some people like this phase, they glow. This incubation period has always been painful to me. Constant barfing and discomfort. And then of course if you nurture the little beast properly and take care for proper prenatal care, soon enough a finished product. You're then free to spawn another terror.
Luckily for me, in my writing I've been supplied with a never ending supply of morning after pills.
and thats all I have to say about that
But then you enter the rewrite, reworking phase. Just like the pregnancy. Some people like this phase, they glow. This incubation period has always been painful to me. Constant barfing and discomfort. And then of course if you nurture the little beast properly and take care for proper prenatal care, soon enough a finished product. You're then free to spawn another terror.
Luckily for me, in my writing I've been supplied with a never ending supply of morning after pills.
and thats all I have to say about that
If you were born tomorrow, would you give your life to yourself?
Would you build a house and then sleep in the yard?
would you buy new clothes and then go to work naked with those clothes draped over one arm?
would you toss your new groceries into the trash?
Maybe.
And maybe I'll go to work tomorrow.
Of course I will.
I always do.
would you buy new clothes and then go to work naked with those clothes draped over one arm?
would you toss your new groceries into the trash?
Maybe.
And maybe I'll go to work tomorrow.
Of course I will.
I always do.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Too much sauerkraut, not good.
What a world. What a world.
Lucky for me I've been too broke since the divorce to be in the stock market. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your future slowly evaporate. I had hoped that I would turn the financial corner at some point and catch up with the rest of my generation. But now I see that they will be brought down to me.
So, I cheated again. I've actually been out running a couple of times. Not very far, maybe a half mile. Just wanted to limber up in anticipation of my inevitable resumption. Two more weeks I should be there. It felt good to actually get some exercise. Not while I was doing it, but you know, after...way after.
So, I've been very uncreative. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Not unmotivated, just not wanting to create something new. I've been playing a lot of guitar. Fingers are coming back quite nicely, although plenty sore.
I think I'm just getting rather comfy in my new settings. I'm really just feeling OK with just being right now. and I think that's OK. Waiting for the mood to strike. The inspiration. I know it's coming I can feel it. And so I'll just ground myself a bit and let it take hold. I don't know what will happen then, nothing major, but something.
If you pay attention to the right hand column you'll see that I snuck a quick read in. A book I didn't know I had. Imagine that. Written in 1987, it's kinda this new age, existential thing. The main points were in support of some of the things I've been writing and talking about. When you're open to the message, you'll hear it right? Basically, the idea was that you need to find out what the essence of yourself is, and then self actualize based on that model. That's a rather severe paraphrasing but you get the point. I think for me, and for a lot of people, its rather difficult to find a way to express your true nature. It's through that expression that you can create an avenue to self actualize. This is what I'm thinking about, how to get engaged in things that reflect who I am. For too long, what I'm best at, and what I have most to offer this world has been closed off to me. My own fault sure, but just as I created my own universe it's within my power to change it too, don't you think.
So something key, at least for me, is to seek out the first step while ignoring searching for a path. Just do something that fits, even small.
An excerpt from "Remember Your Essence" by Paul Williams:
Take the first step
the first step is always perfect
as long as you are ready to take the step that follows it
Only by taking the first step
can you take the step that follows it.
and another:
in this life
we find our way
by following each step with another
Take a step
and follow it
If you start to see a path emerging,
Ignore it.
Do not follow a path
follow your own footprints
your path will create itself
What a world. What a world.
Lucky for me I've been too broke since the divorce to be in the stock market. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your future slowly evaporate. I had hoped that I would turn the financial corner at some point and catch up with the rest of my generation. But now I see that they will be brought down to me.
So, I cheated again. I've actually been out running a couple of times. Not very far, maybe a half mile. Just wanted to limber up in anticipation of my inevitable resumption. Two more weeks I should be there. It felt good to actually get some exercise. Not while I was doing it, but you know, after...way after.
So, I've been very uncreative. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Not unmotivated, just not wanting to create something new. I've been playing a lot of guitar. Fingers are coming back quite nicely, although plenty sore.
I think I'm just getting rather comfy in my new settings. I'm really just feeling OK with just being right now. and I think that's OK. Waiting for the mood to strike. The inspiration. I know it's coming I can feel it. And so I'll just ground myself a bit and let it take hold. I don't know what will happen then, nothing major, but something.
If you pay attention to the right hand column you'll see that I snuck a quick read in. A book I didn't know I had. Imagine that. Written in 1987, it's kinda this new age, existential thing. The main points were in support of some of the things I've been writing and talking about. When you're open to the message, you'll hear it right? Basically, the idea was that you need to find out what the essence of yourself is, and then self actualize based on that model. That's a rather severe paraphrasing but you get the point. I think for me, and for a lot of people, its rather difficult to find a way to express your true nature. It's through that expression that you can create an avenue to self actualize. This is what I'm thinking about, how to get engaged in things that reflect who I am. For too long, what I'm best at, and what I have most to offer this world has been closed off to me. My own fault sure, but just as I created my own universe it's within my power to change it too, don't you think.
So something key, at least for me, is to seek out the first step while ignoring searching for a path. Just do something that fits, even small.
An excerpt from "Remember Your Essence" by Paul Williams:
Take the first step
the first step is always perfect
as long as you are ready to take the step that follows it
Only by taking the first step
can you take the step that follows it.
and another:
in this life
we find our way
by following each step with another
Take a step
and follow it
If you start to see a path emerging,
Ignore it.
Do not follow a path
follow your own footprints
your path will create itself
Friday, October 3, 2008
Schnoodle Update
Well the Apple Cider Vinegar rinse worked quite well. He is just now starting to itch again. I'll give him another rinse this weekend. The snout thing seems to have diminished. I've been putting a splash of ACV in his drinking water. I'll keep you posted.
I had a little athletes foot. Soaked my feet in a 2-1 solution of ACV. Nice. How cheap was that cure. I'm sure I'll have to do it again. I have noticed other positive skin changes though, so I think the Lo-Carb is starting to have an over-all effect. Having been through his twice before I kinda know what to expect.
You know, my feet haven't felt as comfy and healthy at anytime in my adult years as they did when I took them out of the solution. When I rubbed then to work the solution in the top dead layer of skin (or something I don't want to think about) crumbled off. It was kinda cool. Seems like a nice environment for fungus to live in. Makes me wonder about taking a bath in the stuff. I don't have a bathtub, anyone want to volunteer their tub to me for an evening?
The more reading I do about the three (lo-carb, fungal, and PH) the more disturbed I am about our current medical ideology. I'm really losing trust in them, and at the same time don't feel qualified to continue to do my own diagnostics. But I feel I'm being left with no other choice.
Even the last problem I gave the Doc credit for, returned just like the reading I've done said it would. Luckily as quickly as it reappeared it left again as my other home remedies began kicking in. The real problem is that based on some reading I've done you can go too far. balance is the key. Luckily I'm fat enough where I've got a long way to go before I have to worry about that, but how would I negotiate that situation when it occurs. the Lo-carb solution simply slides you to maintenance, I suppose that's good enough.
But what if something major comes up. I no longer trust the medical industry. what do I do then? Hopefully that's far enough off some changes may occur by then.
I had a little athletes foot. Soaked my feet in a 2-1 solution of ACV. Nice. How cheap was that cure. I'm sure I'll have to do it again. I have noticed other positive skin changes though, so I think the Lo-Carb is starting to have an over-all effect. Having been through his twice before I kinda know what to expect.
You know, my feet haven't felt as comfy and healthy at anytime in my adult years as they did when I took them out of the solution. When I rubbed then to work the solution in the top dead layer of skin (or something I don't want to think about) crumbled off. It was kinda cool. Seems like a nice environment for fungus to live in. Makes me wonder about taking a bath in the stuff. I don't have a bathtub, anyone want to volunteer their tub to me for an evening?
The more reading I do about the three (lo-carb, fungal, and PH) the more disturbed I am about our current medical ideology. I'm really losing trust in them, and at the same time don't feel qualified to continue to do my own diagnostics. But I feel I'm being left with no other choice.
Even the last problem I gave the Doc credit for, returned just like the reading I've done said it would. Luckily as quickly as it reappeared it left again as my other home remedies began kicking in. The real problem is that based on some reading I've done you can go too far. balance is the key. Luckily I'm fat enough where I've got a long way to go before I have to worry about that, but how would I negotiate that situation when it occurs. the Lo-carb solution simply slides you to maintenance, I suppose that's good enough.
But what if something major comes up. I no longer trust the medical industry. what do I do then? Hopefully that's far enough off some changes may occur by then.
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