Well tomorrow is the sectional prelims up in Alexandria. My girl high jumpers will be competing. They will need to either take first or second or reach a height of 5'4" to continue on to state. There are four state wide elite jumpers in this section, that means girls who have already jumped a height of 5'4" or higher. So while it's possible that a lower height will still get you to state it's unlikely.
I will be bringing three girls to compete. One of the difficulties of the sectionals is that the goal is simply to identify the two girls (or more if they attain qualifying height) who will go on to compete at the state meet. It logically follows that you'd start the event at a height that would eliminate as many girls as possible quickly while not narrowing the field so far you risk eliminating a better jumper. So as such the starting height is higher than all other meets to this point. It's sad in a way as lesser jumpers who are still quality jumpers and had been scoring points for their teams all year may not even make the first height. But that is the way it goes. My third jumper is a girl such as this, and while she should would normally have a great shot at a personal best, this meet is difficult for that to happen for her as her personal best is the starting height. So she needs to be sharp right away. Typically a jumper will start 2-4 heights under their personal best just to get acclimated and work out any kinks before they need to be at top form. So my third jumper for instance would normally start at a normal opening height of 4' and move up two inches at a time.
My second jumper is a very solid jumper. She is a senior and so this is likely to be her last competition. When she was a sophomore she jumped 5' and hasn't made it since. We've been very close the last three meets. The problem she normally has is that once she gets to the 4'10" or 5' mark she has to go run an event, and she loses potential leaping ability. This meet because it is a prelim event she will be able to stay fresh. My hope for her is that she attains that 5' level once again before she's 'retired'. An advantage she has is that she is so solid she normally doesn't miss until her final heights. The first tie breaking criteria is misses. And so she can place very well if she makes that 5' height. It will be a great way for her to go out. Plus if she does make that height it's possible she gets lucky and sneaks into the meet. I have seen two of the four elite jumpers not make 5' in a meet, so it's possible for her.
My first jumper is one of the four elite jumpers in the region. If everyone jumps at their best she should pull out a second and make it to state. But she is a sophomore and these heights are fairly new to her as her best last year was 4'10" I think. She has gained consistency in her vertical leap but her take off spot wanders. At higher heights there is less room for error. so my fingers are crossed. In each of the last three meets she has found a way to jump 5'2" or 4" and so i hope she will do so here. but I'm relying on her athleticism as the training and consistency isn't there to support the heights yet. If she does achieve her personal best or take second I'll be coaching for another week...maybe.
Maybe??
The issue does arise between sections and state that only a few athletes move on, and the full coaching staff is usually not required. It looks very much like while there are a number of athletes that have a chance to continue on, only my high jumper will actually be favored to go on. So it's possible that the only athlete moving on is mine. What then. I'm volunteer, and cannot not coach without a school representative in attendance (another coach). so that makes me a little unnecessary, why not just push me aside and coach yourself if you have to be there anyway. You might think that since I've been coaching all season that logically I'd need to finish a job, but ego's and such don't work that way. I'm crossing my fingers, it will be telling to see if I'm wanted back next year based on how they handle the last week. but really that's a little counting my chickens before they hatch. With four elite jumpers she may do well and still not make it.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I said "I just took up walking,
can we do a little talking
since we're both headed up the same big hill."
She said "well I guess it's better
than alone so it don't matter
if we stroll together up this same big hill.
so our talking got much stronger
and the walking slowly wandered
as we made to the top of that hill
and with our hearts growing fonder
and wanting to linger longer
we rolled back down that same big hill
so we're sitting at the bottom
with her hair and dress unbuttoned
and we laughed at least an hour I suppose
and now she walks much closer
so that there's not enough road fer
my feet to walk the way they use to go
I suppose thats just the price
for being oh so nice
and rolling down the hill with her that day.
And now we're coming to road divided
is she left or right decided
all I know is that I'm going the other way.
can we do a little talking
since we're both headed up the same big hill."
She said "well I guess it's better
than alone so it don't matter
if we stroll together up this same big hill.
so our talking got much stronger
and the walking slowly wandered
as we made to the top of that hill
and with our hearts growing fonder
and wanting to linger longer
we rolled back down that same big hill
so we're sitting at the bottom
with her hair and dress unbuttoned
and we laughed at least an hour I suppose
and now she walks much closer
so that there's not enough road fer
my feet to walk the way they use to go
I suppose thats just the price
for being oh so nice
and rolling down the hill with her that day.
And now we're coming to road divided
is she left or right decided
all I know is that I'm going the other way.
to catch the rain
one drop at a time
and let them roll around
they feel each finger
and hang on for a moment
and plummet to the ground
and cast aways
not soon forgotten
linger far far too long
and you wonder
was the mistake
in trying, or trying to be gone.
and such are days
when you think of things,
that are far far away
but still so close
you feel their breath
and it touches, it lingers, it stays
and I might have been forgotten
once or twice
or more I'm sure
but I might have left a little something
that ran back
neath closed door.
but what really dies completely
with love
and friends so few
when memories,
and goodbye things
are rain drops clinging still
one drop at a time
and let them roll around
they feel each finger
and hang on for a moment
and plummet to the ground
and cast aways
not soon forgotten
linger far far too long
and you wonder
was the mistake
in trying, or trying to be gone.
and such are days
when you think of things,
that are far far away
but still so close
you feel their breath
and it touches, it lingers, it stays
and I might have been forgotten
once or twice
or more I'm sure
but I might have left a little something
that ran back
neath closed door.
but what really dies completely
with love
and friends so few
when memories,
and goodbye things
are rain drops clinging still
Saturday, May 23, 2009
I only meant to talk to you.
I only meant to talk to you,
not your clothes, your job or shoes.
but the machine inside that rattles and grooves
that makes you move
the way you do
to breathe in slow
to let it go
to exhale ... deeply
to let it flow
I only meant to talk to you,
not you're papers, and things you do
but things still hidden through and blue,
that make you hope
that love is true,
that waits for the sun
when rain clouds come
and dries the tears
too tired to run.
I only meant to talk to you,
to walk with you,
to be with you.
not your clothes, your job or shoes.
but the machine inside that rattles and grooves
that makes you move
the way you do
to breathe in slow
to let it go
to exhale ... deeply
to let it flow
I only meant to talk to you,
not you're papers, and things you do
but things still hidden through and blue,
that make you hope
that love is true,
that waits for the sun
when rain clouds come
and dries the tears
too tired to run.
I only meant to talk to you,
to walk with you,
to be with you.
Update
Well it's been a while since I updated any of my going ons. So I thought I'd catch people up.
Running. I've been running 2-3 times a week. Not too far, maybe 1-2 miles of running with another 1+ miles of warmup and warm down walking. My conditioning has improved but as I thought I'm really too heavy to support too much. And so while I got a little crazy for about a week I learned my lesson. I'll need to get serious about the diet soon.
Diet. I have not been dieting. My lunch today was 1 1/2 qts of rocky road. Yes I ate that much. And my dinner thus far was two beef pot pies. Yumm. Hardly lo-carb fare. But I'm watching my budget and a lo-carb diet is a little more spendy. Of course I was able to splurge for the ice cream, and I do seem to hit the DQ a few times a week and the coffee shop about four times a week (but only coffee, the cheaper stuff). So I could do it. But the good news is that I'm not gaining weight. so I'm about halfway to my goal and holding.
Coaching. Up and down (no high jump pun intended). The athletes are doing well. The five I have left heading into sections this week are at the top of their games. So I'm pretty happy. Of course the goal for me was to see if I still have passion for coaching. And indeed I do, and I'm good at it. The downside, it's been so long since I've done anything I've had a passion for I forgot how intense I can be. Nobody can really match my level of commitment. I think it's why I've done well in leadership positions. However that doesn't work well with other coaches. The biggest obstacle I face in helping these kids to excel is the team system and self imposed limits set by the head coaches themselves. It's difficult for me to watch kids who are working so hard to be limited by the people that are suppose to be leading the way. I just have to remind myself that it is a job for these guys, and they have families and stuff. It really has me a bit stuck about what to do for next year. I'm vested in the kids and so don't want to change schools, but at the same time I think it's a self defeating team structure. I might be better off finding another system that is more focused on achievement, and one that pays. it's too bad because it's a pretty talented coaching staff, but if they're not willing to do what it takes to get to the next level, I can't see it happening.
Job Search. Well I'm into it now. Resumes are going out. I've come to the conclusion that it's not the job so much as the schedule and the flexibility that's offered. I want to be able to coach. That's the bottom line. I'll be looking for a weekend shift in manufacturing, maybe a QA job since that will have a path that can yield more money without more physical effort. Also I'll probably consider different sales options. I'm OK at it and they can offer flexibility if it's the right thing. I've considered going back to school for teaching. And I haven't ruled it out, but coaching does seem to satisfy me in that direction, I'm not sure that I need to get so immersed in the education system. And I don't want to be a head track coach so I don't need that in.
Music. Well this is interesting. I haven't been very focused on this lately with track and face book but yet I seem to be making interesting strides in this area. I've been jamming on the bass most Fridays with my brother and his friends, it has come back quite well. I can't say that I'm anywhere near where I was back in the day, but it's coming back much quicker than I thought it would. My ear is just starting to come around, and my timing is leaping forward quickly now. I'm not sure if I want to do anything with the bass playing or not. I'd need a decent bass and setup, so that's like $1200 to get rolling. I could get by with what I've got, but probably not at the level I'd like to start at. Writing wise I got an unexpected boost, a friend of mine had a digital recording device he hasn't been using and so he borrowed it to me. It's not so plug and play friendly tho so I need to do some studying. The manual is 143 pages of sheer excitement. The other thing I've been doing is trying to set up coffee shop gigs for various artists at the local coffee shop. It helps the lady who owns and runs the coffee shop, the artists by providing a place to play and me because it's interesting and fun to do.
All in all I'm quite happy with the direction of things. I think since I decided to create a life that suits me better my life has been improving. The greatest disappointment is probably in how resistant to change some people are. I really thought that aligning myself with my inner self would bring me closer to certain people in my life. Instead it has been quite the opposite. I guess you're only entitled to that certain little corner that people have placed you in. They don't like it when you change, and don't quite fit that niche anymore. well such is limits, friendships and family.
The other thing that is interesting to me, is how difficult it is for people to deal with genuine dialogue. If you talk to them without pretense, which you think would be good, really fucks with them. i guess there's no time for connecting with folks anymore. Just sliding by each other, trying not to touch.
i think when you drop the crap, the pretending, the hyping yourself up for goals and such that really don't matter to you, and focus on what really matters to you, you kinda turn yourself inside out. You approach people differently, you talk to them differently. You don't try to hide who you are as much. Intimacy, is what it really is, just not in a sexual way. I think people don't know how to deal with it. for some, while it should be a easier more natural communication is more taxing. If they're not in that same place i suppose it's more difficult to dance around. For other people, I don't think they can separate this kind of intimacy from sexual. It makes it weird for them. All in all I just don't think people can deal with it. But if I feel old in anyway, besides the creakiness, it's that I just don't have time for pretense. I really feel that my time left on this planet is much more limited than it should be. Call it premonition, not so much a sense of doom, as I'm kind of OK with it, but I'm thinking ten years tops and I'm done. I'd like to spend the end connected. And if it goes on longer than expected then I'm better off anyways. It's all good.
Running. I've been running 2-3 times a week. Not too far, maybe 1-2 miles of running with another 1+ miles of warmup and warm down walking. My conditioning has improved but as I thought I'm really too heavy to support too much. And so while I got a little crazy for about a week I learned my lesson. I'll need to get serious about the diet soon.
Diet. I have not been dieting. My lunch today was 1 1/2 qts of rocky road. Yes I ate that much. And my dinner thus far was two beef pot pies. Yumm. Hardly lo-carb fare. But I'm watching my budget and a lo-carb diet is a little more spendy. Of course I was able to splurge for the ice cream, and I do seem to hit the DQ a few times a week and the coffee shop about four times a week (but only coffee, the cheaper stuff). So I could do it. But the good news is that I'm not gaining weight. so I'm about halfway to my goal and holding.
Coaching. Up and down (no high jump pun intended). The athletes are doing well. The five I have left heading into sections this week are at the top of their games. So I'm pretty happy. Of course the goal for me was to see if I still have passion for coaching. And indeed I do, and I'm good at it. The downside, it's been so long since I've done anything I've had a passion for I forgot how intense I can be. Nobody can really match my level of commitment. I think it's why I've done well in leadership positions. However that doesn't work well with other coaches. The biggest obstacle I face in helping these kids to excel is the team system and self imposed limits set by the head coaches themselves. It's difficult for me to watch kids who are working so hard to be limited by the people that are suppose to be leading the way. I just have to remind myself that it is a job for these guys, and they have families and stuff. It really has me a bit stuck about what to do for next year. I'm vested in the kids and so don't want to change schools, but at the same time I think it's a self defeating team structure. I might be better off finding another system that is more focused on achievement, and one that pays. it's too bad because it's a pretty talented coaching staff, but if they're not willing to do what it takes to get to the next level, I can't see it happening.
Job Search. Well I'm into it now. Resumes are going out. I've come to the conclusion that it's not the job so much as the schedule and the flexibility that's offered. I want to be able to coach. That's the bottom line. I'll be looking for a weekend shift in manufacturing, maybe a QA job since that will have a path that can yield more money without more physical effort. Also I'll probably consider different sales options. I'm OK at it and they can offer flexibility if it's the right thing. I've considered going back to school for teaching. And I haven't ruled it out, but coaching does seem to satisfy me in that direction, I'm not sure that I need to get so immersed in the education system. And I don't want to be a head track coach so I don't need that in.
Music. Well this is interesting. I haven't been very focused on this lately with track and face book but yet I seem to be making interesting strides in this area. I've been jamming on the bass most Fridays with my brother and his friends, it has come back quite well. I can't say that I'm anywhere near where I was back in the day, but it's coming back much quicker than I thought it would. My ear is just starting to come around, and my timing is leaping forward quickly now. I'm not sure if I want to do anything with the bass playing or not. I'd need a decent bass and setup, so that's like $1200 to get rolling. I could get by with what I've got, but probably not at the level I'd like to start at. Writing wise I got an unexpected boost, a friend of mine had a digital recording device he hasn't been using and so he borrowed it to me. It's not so plug and play friendly tho so I need to do some studying. The manual is 143 pages of sheer excitement. The other thing I've been doing is trying to set up coffee shop gigs for various artists at the local coffee shop. It helps the lady who owns and runs the coffee shop, the artists by providing a place to play and me because it's interesting and fun to do.
All in all I'm quite happy with the direction of things. I think since I decided to create a life that suits me better my life has been improving. The greatest disappointment is probably in how resistant to change some people are. I really thought that aligning myself with my inner self would bring me closer to certain people in my life. Instead it has been quite the opposite. I guess you're only entitled to that certain little corner that people have placed you in. They don't like it when you change, and don't quite fit that niche anymore. well such is limits, friendships and family.
The other thing that is interesting to me, is how difficult it is for people to deal with genuine dialogue. If you talk to them without pretense, which you think would be good, really fucks with them. i guess there's no time for connecting with folks anymore. Just sliding by each other, trying not to touch.
i think when you drop the crap, the pretending, the hyping yourself up for goals and such that really don't matter to you, and focus on what really matters to you, you kinda turn yourself inside out. You approach people differently, you talk to them differently. You don't try to hide who you are as much. Intimacy, is what it really is, just not in a sexual way. I think people don't know how to deal with it. for some, while it should be a easier more natural communication is more taxing. If they're not in that same place i suppose it's more difficult to dance around. For other people, I don't think they can separate this kind of intimacy from sexual. It makes it weird for them. All in all I just don't think people can deal with it. But if I feel old in anyway, besides the creakiness, it's that I just don't have time for pretense. I really feel that my time left on this planet is much more limited than it should be. Call it premonition, not so much a sense of doom, as I'm kind of OK with it, but I'm thinking ten years tops and I'm done. I'd like to spend the end connected. And if it goes on longer than expected then I'm better off anyways. It's all good.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
blabbity blab blab blab
Sometimes i just feel like writing. Usually if I wait long enough the feeling will pass, but occasionally it lingers just long enough for the right time. Also, usually the inspiration drives from a need to say something. That's when it's easy. Mostly once i start it finds form quickly and just jumps right from my brain through my fingies and into bits and fragments that sometimes make sense. Other times, and very rarely I might add, I simply want to write and I've got nothing pressing to say. That's a time like this.
So whilst you might be waiting for some point, or revelation or the more likely drivel that I constantly produce, today no such luck. So while it's possible that I will find direction and follow that footprint by pressing mine into it to see if there is another, it's not likely to happen. So really you're just wasting your time. Although the very fact that you're here and reading this proves that quite possibly you're a bit masochistic in this way. good for you.
And just so you're all aware I've just decided that everyone but me is stoopit. I apologize if you're a part of the group everyone. I know you can't help it. And I'm getting a little peeved about it, if you wanted to know because it's making me look a tad bit foolish. I mean who wants to be the only one that's not like everyone else. I can see the fingers pointing. So I'm a freak. Big deal. We're all freaks. It's just that I'm a freak because I'm better than everyone else.
There's something liberating about writing a blog that no one reads. You can pretty much say anything. Who'd know, who'd care. I don't even really care, if truth be known.
An interesting observation, been thinking about old people and their bad driving. Because I'm approaching oldness and wondered about when that transition starts. I think I've figured it out. I think it starts in direct proportion to the degree to which you just don't give a fuck what other people think. I think old people drive just fine, they drive like crap because, well, they just don't care what you think and could care less if they get fucked up in an accident. They'll probably die anyway and it's a hell of a lot better way to go than dying of pneumonia while you're recovering from a hip replacement in some sterile hospital. So it's really just a great big middle finger with just not as much physical effort. Just what I think.
Oh, and getting old, my frikken eyesight!! WTF My arms aren't long enough. I'm developing monkey toes just so I can hold things far enough away to read them. and I'm short, I'm going to run out of limbage soon. I just made up that word. I'm going to make up a whole sentence with made up words.
hmmm, nuked my bean squishuid and hotulgated the brewteroma to a scintillation upwartude of satisfixiation, now I gotsta aquire.
Hey, when did the 'Me generation' become the 'and give me yours too generation'? Do you think the existential movement of the sixties and seventies anticipated the extreme shallowness of people? hands across America, the Pepsi generation. what a disaster that turned out to be. Everyone thinking for themselves. I think existentialism really requires someone with depth of thought, someone who can think things through and see the bigger picture. It wouldn't be so bad if people acted for themselves if maybe they understood basic ideals like give and you shall receive. But mostly they just want and so they take. And really I don't mind serving another if what they're all about is something bigger than themselves. Even a community business has something to offer, but if all I'm really doing is diverting money so one guy or a handful can live like gluttonous pigs, I just can't do it. I'm cool if they have a little more than others, but when we start talking billions and shit like that, I can't do it. i want to be a part of something bigger, something that creates more than it consumes. Is that too much to ask?
I went to the bookstore a couple of days ago, killing a little time. I thought I'd look for a self help book, couldn't find them, finally I asked for help. Thank you I'll be here all week.
Anyway, I really was, so I was trying to find some books on the authentic you. You know uncovering your true nature and building a life around who you actually are. And you know I'll be damned if every book was about how to change and be somebody else. no wonder we're all fucked up. What kind of a message is that. we're all so unhappy with our lives we think it's because we're fucked up and need to change. No, man we're OK. it's the lives we've put ourselves in that is fucked up. I blame it on the self help books. somehow if we say the right things, and treat people a certain way they'll give us what we want. How frikken manipulative. and now no one trusts anyone elses motives and nobody gets what they want or need. a bunch of bullshit.
I think movies like paying it forward, try to reverse it, but really the fuckupedness has gone way beyond. Now if you serve, and help it doesn't spread like some idealistic movie. All you are is just one person that isn't trying to screw another, it doesn't spread, it takes the pressure off another for a brief second as they breathe a sigh of relief and prepare themselves for the next assault on the last vestiges of their sanity. you almost have to hermit yourself if you want to not participate in the craziness. People are so protective of themselves and their psyche's they can't engage. Like if you engage their inner minds you're going to rip out that last little piece of self that hasn't been compromised. We're all shut ins because we've all been shut out. crazy times.
Angst abounds. Extreme absurdity. We dance to say we're dancing and now no one wants to dance because they feel they have to, and no one dares stop. And so we dance mechanically, and we robotize our lives and can't shut off that little part of our minds that creates the music worth dancing to, but we can't listen to that music else we throw off the robot dance, misstep and face the ridicule.
I think that needs to be a poem. While at the book store I stopped by the poetry aisle. It's not really a whole aisle, maybe two cabinets of shelves. And I've got to say that poetry sucks, just a little. much is unreadable. yucko stuff. Most is more prose. Not really even poetry if you ask me, just maybe placed in stanzas, tricked up a bit with stupidly placed punctuation and line breaks. maybe a capital in a weird place. Here I'll try it with that last paragraph and see what happens.
we Dance to say
we're dancing
And now,
no one wants to
Dance.
because they have to.
no one dares to stop.
And so we Dance,
mechanically,
we robotize our lives
and
can't shut off.
That little part of our brains
that we
Make the Music
worth dancing to.
we can't.
Listen to the Music.
else,
we throw off the robot Dance
misstep.
face the ridicule.
Sadly that may turn out to be the best poem I've done. I didn't know it was that easy. Well on that note, I'll call it a night.
So whilst you might be waiting for some point, or revelation or the more likely drivel that I constantly produce, today no such luck. So while it's possible that I will find direction and follow that footprint by pressing mine into it to see if there is another, it's not likely to happen. So really you're just wasting your time. Although the very fact that you're here and reading this proves that quite possibly you're a bit masochistic in this way. good for you.
And just so you're all aware I've just decided that everyone but me is stoopit. I apologize if you're a part of the group everyone. I know you can't help it. And I'm getting a little peeved about it, if you wanted to know because it's making me look a tad bit foolish. I mean who wants to be the only one that's not like everyone else. I can see the fingers pointing. So I'm a freak. Big deal. We're all freaks. It's just that I'm a freak because I'm better than everyone else.
There's something liberating about writing a blog that no one reads. You can pretty much say anything. Who'd know, who'd care. I don't even really care, if truth be known.
An interesting observation, been thinking about old people and their bad driving. Because I'm approaching oldness and wondered about when that transition starts. I think I've figured it out. I think it starts in direct proportion to the degree to which you just don't give a fuck what other people think. I think old people drive just fine, they drive like crap because, well, they just don't care what you think and could care less if they get fucked up in an accident. They'll probably die anyway and it's a hell of a lot better way to go than dying of pneumonia while you're recovering from a hip replacement in some sterile hospital. So it's really just a great big middle finger with just not as much physical effort. Just what I think.
Oh, and getting old, my frikken eyesight!! WTF My arms aren't long enough. I'm developing monkey toes just so I can hold things far enough away to read them. and I'm short, I'm going to run out of limbage soon. I just made up that word. I'm going to make up a whole sentence with made up words.
hmmm, nuked my bean squishuid and hotulgated the brewteroma to a scintillation upwartude of satisfixiation, now I gotsta aquire.
Hey, when did the 'Me generation' become the 'and give me yours too generation'? Do you think the existential movement of the sixties and seventies anticipated the extreme shallowness of people? hands across America, the Pepsi generation. what a disaster that turned out to be. Everyone thinking for themselves. I think existentialism really requires someone with depth of thought, someone who can think things through and see the bigger picture. It wouldn't be so bad if people acted for themselves if maybe they understood basic ideals like give and you shall receive. But mostly they just want and so they take. And really I don't mind serving another if what they're all about is something bigger than themselves. Even a community business has something to offer, but if all I'm really doing is diverting money so one guy or a handful can live like gluttonous pigs, I just can't do it. I'm cool if they have a little more than others, but when we start talking billions and shit like that, I can't do it. i want to be a part of something bigger, something that creates more than it consumes. Is that too much to ask?
I went to the bookstore a couple of days ago, killing a little time. I thought I'd look for a self help book, couldn't find them, finally I asked for help. Thank you I'll be here all week.
Anyway, I really was, so I was trying to find some books on the authentic you. You know uncovering your true nature and building a life around who you actually are. And you know I'll be damned if every book was about how to change and be somebody else. no wonder we're all fucked up. What kind of a message is that. we're all so unhappy with our lives we think it's because we're fucked up and need to change. No, man we're OK. it's the lives we've put ourselves in that is fucked up. I blame it on the self help books. somehow if we say the right things, and treat people a certain way they'll give us what we want. How frikken manipulative. and now no one trusts anyone elses motives and nobody gets what they want or need. a bunch of bullshit.
I think movies like paying it forward, try to reverse it, but really the fuckupedness has gone way beyond. Now if you serve, and help it doesn't spread like some idealistic movie. All you are is just one person that isn't trying to screw another, it doesn't spread, it takes the pressure off another for a brief second as they breathe a sigh of relief and prepare themselves for the next assault on the last vestiges of their sanity. you almost have to hermit yourself if you want to not participate in the craziness. People are so protective of themselves and their psyche's they can't engage. Like if you engage their inner minds you're going to rip out that last little piece of self that hasn't been compromised. We're all shut ins because we've all been shut out. crazy times.
Angst abounds. Extreme absurdity. We dance to say we're dancing and now no one wants to dance because they feel they have to, and no one dares stop. And so we dance mechanically, and we robotize our lives and can't shut off that little part of our minds that creates the music worth dancing to, but we can't listen to that music else we throw off the robot dance, misstep and face the ridicule.
I think that needs to be a poem. While at the book store I stopped by the poetry aisle. It's not really a whole aisle, maybe two cabinets of shelves. And I've got to say that poetry sucks, just a little. much is unreadable. yucko stuff. Most is more prose. Not really even poetry if you ask me, just maybe placed in stanzas, tricked up a bit with stupidly placed punctuation and line breaks. maybe a capital in a weird place. Here I'll try it with that last paragraph and see what happens.
we Dance to say
we're dancing
And now,
no one wants to
Dance.
because they have to.
no one dares to stop.
And so we Dance,
mechanically,
we robotize our lives
and
can't shut off.
That little part of our brains
that we
Make the Music
worth dancing to.
we can't.
Listen to the Music.
else,
we throw off the robot Dance
misstep.
face the ridicule.
Sadly that may turn out to be the best poem I've done. I didn't know it was that easy. Well on that note, I'll call it a night.
Kris Wins
Well america has spoken, and of course as if George W being elected twice didn't prove it, Americans are stupid.
Anyway, great show. I really liked it, and the new host chick, is hot, and can sing. didn't know.
I think all ten finalists will have decent careers. I'm thinking Kris and Alexis with mega stardom, but Adam a longer lasting career ripping up broadway forever.
Anyway, great show. I really liked it, and the new host chick, is hot, and can sing. didn't know.
I think all ten finalists will have decent careers. I'm thinking Kris and Alexis with mega stardom, but Adam a longer lasting career ripping up broadway forever.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
AI finals
Well the end is finally drawing near. And I must say that it maybe went about two weeks too long for me. Not that it's anti-climactic or anything, I really don't know how the public will vote. Adam's the type of performer that will create nearly as many haters as fans so his vast advantage in talent is compromised.
For that reason, perhaps it feels a little over. We still have the drama of the finding out who the champ is, but we pretty much know all we're going to know about the finalists. Adam is crazy talented albeit too theatrical, and Kris is smooth and connects well, although shrinks a little to better talent. They'll both do well A.I. after idol.
The only comment I want to make about the show, is that horrendous song we had to listen to twice. I mean c'mon, did they even consider the finalists when picking that song. It was clearly suited for a country Diva only. Hello! Adam and Kris, not close to that. Adam needed to slow it down a hair, and Kris needed some rewiting, his range was not suited to that song. And the lyrics, who writes that crap. It's like formalaic writing ala Dawn of the Dead, just searching for a musical soul to shread. yucko
to those few blog readers who had to put up with my AI addiction, thank you and I'm sorry.
For that reason, perhaps it feels a little over. We still have the drama of the finding out who the champ is, but we pretty much know all we're going to know about the finalists. Adam is crazy talented albeit too theatrical, and Kris is smooth and connects well, although shrinks a little to better talent. They'll both do well A.I. after idol.
The only comment I want to make about the show, is that horrendous song we had to listen to twice. I mean c'mon, did they even consider the finalists when picking that song. It was clearly suited for a country Diva only. Hello! Adam and Kris, not close to that. Adam needed to slow it down a hair, and Kris needed some rewiting, his range was not suited to that song. And the lyrics, who writes that crap. It's like formalaic writing ala Dawn of the Dead, just searching for a musical soul to shread. yucko
to those few blog readers who had to put up with my AI addiction, thank you and I'm sorry.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
What I've learned.
First off, clarity comes in fleeting glimpses. Little teasers pinballed out of the way by things of preprogrammed importance. Which of course makes it difficult to build upon or act on, since as soon as you take a step forward life happens and the clarity is dissipated like a smoke ring at last call. But like last call, leaves us a little affected knowing we must be moving soon, stumbling about to somewhere, reluctantly giving into a lack of better options. And so for a moment I see clearly, and can maybe save this thought to be built upon when another moment of clarity appears through this smoke filled barfly life.
Angst abounds. I don't know if it's the pressures of the economy, or if its just that so many people I know are around my age, dealing with dashed illusions, promises made to a generation gone by that seemingly just didn't apply to ours. Regardless, I just don't know anyone not dealing with severe angst, and self doubt. We are a sick lot, if angst were alcohol we'd be lying in a gutter, begging for change for just one more drink of disillusionment.
Of course so am I. I am lost. In the great bar in the back streets of life, I am a barfly.
I think the first moment of clarity came much earlier than now, a realization that I really don't fit, and that all efforts to plug into the real world have left me a little more adrift, a little more out of sorts. A blog reader wouldn't have to read long to know this to be true.
What I realized was that societies definition of success just didn't fit, it was unfulfilling, uninspiring. I just didn't care about the carrot, the prizes offered, it wasn't a game I wanted to win. But that discovery was troubling. Because what then.? What now? Now what?
The second great moment of clarity came shortly thereafter. It's easy to spend much time pondering when adrift in a seemingless endless sea. And so I thought. And I considered. And nothing came to me. I simply didn't want anything. I didn't want to accomplish anything. I was left without direction, without inspiration, without purpose. And it suddenly dawned on me, that as a generation we've been taught to define ourselves by stuff, by titles, by rising on the ladder of the newly redefined Reaganesk version of the American Dream. We are what our portfolios say we are, we are worth what our home appraisal, and toys suggest we are worth. We are our boats, our houses, our Ipod, I phone, our cars, our houses, and our 401K. We are no longer people, with feelings, with dreams, with needs, instead; numbers, statistics, failures and successes. Angst ridden successes and failures. More failure, than success. Even success, seemed short lived, unfulfilling and in the end angst ridden. Cirrhosis of the soul.
And so in that second moment of clarity it seemed to me that what was really important was how we feel, how we love, and how we live. Yet our actions, our goals, and activities did not improve our underlying selves. Our basic needs, our humanity was starved. We got drunk on goodies and concoctions that just weren't good for us, and our selves. And our selves died of malnutrition. And our drunkenness turned from good times to poison.
In all good goals the bottom line is served. This basic business principle is the foundation of all buzzword management ideas, such as lean manufacturing. The idea is that an idea is good only so much as it increases the bottom line. In life, all goals are only good so much as they achieve the underlying desire. Basic emotional needs. Not pieces of paper, not stuff, but love, friendship, safety, peace, excitement, mattering. These are the things that are truly important, that if you feed will nourish you and strengthen you. And so it dawned on me in this second moment of clarity, that a goal was meaningless unless you could tie it back to a basic emotional need of importance. The bottom line items of life.
And so that set me on a journey for inspiration, a test run so to speak, a chance to see what things matter most to me. And there was success, but with that another moment of clarity which has led me to this post.
The bottom line items of life do not wait. You can not put them away. You can not hide from them. You can stuff them in a closet for a while, but they are not quiet things. They will rattle, scream, whimper, demand and throw tantrums every time you walk by that closet. They will pester you until you let them out, when they come out they will be angry, they will be vengeful, and then you must deal with them. If ignored, if not treated as a bottom line item, if pushed off as secondary to misguided goals will derail at every chance they have. Because those things are life. You can try and ignore them, you can remain intoxicated on lies of abundance, you can be a barfly to life. But you can not flourish, you can not be truly healthy until you put these things front and center. If you make them your bottom line items. If you decide to live.
And so in this moment of clarity, I learned what has oft been said, but now I see clearer. Life is not one goal after another. Life is a journey, life is happening everyday, all the time. Bottom line needs are relevant every second of the day, and they are the most important things every second of the day. Life must be lived to enhance the journey, and not to delay it, not to push it aside for stuff and sideways accomplishments. Not to stay inebriated on false promises and false goals that do not nourish the soul, but to shove aside the crutch, the concoction that destroys, and to feed your true self.
The difficulty, the necessity, is honesty. Being honest with yourself, what really matters to you. What makes you happy, what satisfies the you. It doesn't have to pretty. It doesn't have to have an ounce of altruism. It can be shallow, or deep. It can be needy, or selfish. Ultimately it has to be selfish. But it must be true, and it must be you.
Angst abounds. I don't know if it's the pressures of the economy, or if its just that so many people I know are around my age, dealing with dashed illusions, promises made to a generation gone by that seemingly just didn't apply to ours. Regardless, I just don't know anyone not dealing with severe angst, and self doubt. We are a sick lot, if angst were alcohol we'd be lying in a gutter, begging for change for just one more drink of disillusionment.
Of course so am I. I am lost. In the great bar in the back streets of life, I am a barfly.
I think the first moment of clarity came much earlier than now, a realization that I really don't fit, and that all efforts to plug into the real world have left me a little more adrift, a little more out of sorts. A blog reader wouldn't have to read long to know this to be true.
What I realized was that societies definition of success just didn't fit, it was unfulfilling, uninspiring. I just didn't care about the carrot, the prizes offered, it wasn't a game I wanted to win. But that discovery was troubling. Because what then.? What now? Now what?
The second great moment of clarity came shortly thereafter. It's easy to spend much time pondering when adrift in a seemingless endless sea. And so I thought. And I considered. And nothing came to me. I simply didn't want anything. I didn't want to accomplish anything. I was left without direction, without inspiration, without purpose. And it suddenly dawned on me, that as a generation we've been taught to define ourselves by stuff, by titles, by rising on the ladder of the newly redefined Reaganesk version of the American Dream. We are what our portfolios say we are, we are worth what our home appraisal, and toys suggest we are worth. We are our boats, our houses, our Ipod, I phone, our cars, our houses, and our 401K. We are no longer people, with feelings, with dreams, with needs, instead; numbers, statistics, failures and successes. Angst ridden successes and failures. More failure, than success. Even success, seemed short lived, unfulfilling and in the end angst ridden. Cirrhosis of the soul.
And so in that second moment of clarity it seemed to me that what was really important was how we feel, how we love, and how we live. Yet our actions, our goals, and activities did not improve our underlying selves. Our basic needs, our humanity was starved. We got drunk on goodies and concoctions that just weren't good for us, and our selves. And our selves died of malnutrition. And our drunkenness turned from good times to poison.
In all good goals the bottom line is served. This basic business principle is the foundation of all buzzword management ideas, such as lean manufacturing. The idea is that an idea is good only so much as it increases the bottom line. In life, all goals are only good so much as they achieve the underlying desire. Basic emotional needs. Not pieces of paper, not stuff, but love, friendship, safety, peace, excitement, mattering. These are the things that are truly important, that if you feed will nourish you and strengthen you. And so it dawned on me in this second moment of clarity, that a goal was meaningless unless you could tie it back to a basic emotional need of importance. The bottom line items of life.
And so that set me on a journey for inspiration, a test run so to speak, a chance to see what things matter most to me. And there was success, but with that another moment of clarity which has led me to this post.
The bottom line items of life do not wait. You can not put them away. You can not hide from them. You can stuff them in a closet for a while, but they are not quiet things. They will rattle, scream, whimper, demand and throw tantrums every time you walk by that closet. They will pester you until you let them out, when they come out they will be angry, they will be vengeful, and then you must deal with them. If ignored, if not treated as a bottom line item, if pushed off as secondary to misguided goals will derail at every chance they have. Because those things are life. You can try and ignore them, you can remain intoxicated on lies of abundance, you can be a barfly to life. But you can not flourish, you can not be truly healthy until you put these things front and center. If you make them your bottom line items. If you decide to live.
And so in this moment of clarity, I learned what has oft been said, but now I see clearer. Life is not one goal after another. Life is a journey, life is happening everyday, all the time. Bottom line needs are relevant every second of the day, and they are the most important things every second of the day. Life must be lived to enhance the journey, and not to delay it, not to push it aside for stuff and sideways accomplishments. Not to stay inebriated on false promises and false goals that do not nourish the soul, but to shove aside the crutch, the concoction that destroys, and to feed your true self.
The difficulty, the necessity, is honesty. Being honest with yourself, what really matters to you. What makes you happy, what satisfies the you. It doesn't have to pretty. It doesn't have to have an ounce of altruism. It can be shallow, or deep. It can be needy, or selfish. Ultimately it has to be selfish. But it must be true, and it must be you.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Broken
If she said to me, "I love you"
i would not believe.
If she took me home,
I would follow
If she made love to me
I would kiss her as tenderly,
or as passionatly
or as violently
as she desired.
If she asked me to call
I would call
Many things I would do,
as I know how
and they are good things to do.
But if she said, "I love you"
that I would not believe.
Although I think I know what love is,
I don't know what it means
when someone says i love you.
When questions are phrased so cleverly
with such exhaustive fine print.
i would not believe.
If she took me home,
I would follow
If she made love to me
I would kiss her as tenderly,
or as passionatly
or as violently
as she desired.
If she asked me to call
I would call
Many things I would do,
as I know how
and they are good things to do.
But if she said, "I love you"
that I would not believe.
Although I think I know what love is,
I don't know what it means
when someone says i love you.
When questions are phrased so cleverly
with such exhaustive fine print.
Dark days.
I think I know
And this knowing has come at great cost.
Why poets die penniless and alone.
Why great artist are little more than vagabonds while alive.
Why some pursuits are worthwhile
Why others are not.
I think I know.
I think I know
what my life will be like when I will die,
I think I know
what has meaning,
what makes sense
what does not.
and I think I know
real meaning
and real value.
and I think I know
what others think of me
And while I think I know
I am ridiculed for what I am not
I know
the only thing of value
I can leave behind
is the clearest picture
of who and what I am.
It is the only thing
I know for sure
And this knowing has come at great cost.
Why poets die penniless and alone.
Why great artist are little more than vagabonds while alive.
Why some pursuits are worthwhile
Why others are not.
I think I know.
I think I know
what my life will be like when I will die,
I think I know
what has meaning,
what makes sense
what does not.
and I think I know
real meaning
and real value.
and I think I know
what others think of me
And while I think I know
I am ridiculed for what I am not
I know
the only thing of value
I can leave behind
is the clearest picture
of who and what I am.
It is the only thing
I know for sure
I said it.
On Cookies and School and the loving we do.
Oh the beautiful shapes,
the sizes,
colors, and style.
The infinite possibilities of creative thought.
We ever so gently
pick them up,
and kiss them
and nurture them,
and love them as they are.
And slowly place them in the mold.
and we turn the screw to the press,
one day at a time,
one lesson at a time,
one correction and admonishment at a time.
until finally they pop out.
Perfect little cookie cutter,
perfect little cookies.
A little lost here,
a little creativity squished out there.
Our own little priceless mutations.
so much better than the mutants that refused the mold.
Half squished, have formed.
Hideous and useless.
Oh the beautiful shapes,
the sizes,
colors, and style.
The infinite possibilities of creative thought.
We ever so gently
pick them up,
and kiss them
and nurture them,
and love them as they are.
And slowly place them in the mold.
and we turn the screw to the press,
one day at a time,
one lesson at a time,
one correction and admonishment at a time.
until finally they pop out.
Perfect little cookie cutter,
perfect little cookies.
A little lost here,
a little creativity squished out there.
Our own little priceless mutations.
so much better than the mutants that refused the mold.
Half squished, have formed.
Hideous and useless.
A4 Results
Wow.
Unexpected, but as I said anything could happen. But what a fitting goodbye song for Allison, with tears streaming down her cheeks, on her way home seeing Cry Baby - Welcome back home.
And so we get the finale' with Adam, Kris, and Danny.
Unexpected, but as I said anything could happen. But what a fitting goodbye song for Allison, with tears streaming down her cheeks, on her way home seeing Cry Baby - Welcome back home.
And so we get the finale' with Adam, Kris, and Danny.
AI 4
I didn't get to watch it last night, and so had to watch the vids today.
Lambert is so fuckin' talented it's scary. I think though there might be an anti Lambert movement out there. I think as it boils down, the votes go to everyone else but Adam. It could make it tough.
I think if you went by the performances from the show it was clearly the Adam and Allison show. I was less than impressed with both Kris and Danny. I'm surprised at how uncomfortable they both seemed with Rock night. I believe it will cost Kris.
Beast:
Adam. If you watched it, no explanation necessary.
Rest:
Allison. i think she did well, and while I get that she could have picked a better song, I think she performed well, unlike the other two.
Least:
Danny. Clearly the worst of the evening. did not come up with a winning arrangement or approach. however I think he's too strong in this competition to be in danger.
Kris. He needed to kill tonight. He did poorly. can't see him making the finals.
having said that, voting is weird. anything can happen after 5.
Lambert is so fuckin' talented it's scary. I think though there might be an anti Lambert movement out there. I think as it boils down, the votes go to everyone else but Adam. It could make it tough.
I think if you went by the performances from the show it was clearly the Adam and Allison show. I was less than impressed with both Kris and Danny. I'm surprised at how uncomfortable they both seemed with Rock night. I believe it will cost Kris.
Beast:
Adam. If you watched it, no explanation necessary.
Rest:
Allison. i think she did well, and while I get that she could have picked a better song, I think she performed well, unlike the other two.
Least:
Danny. Clearly the worst of the evening. did not come up with a winning arrangement or approach. however I think he's too strong in this competition to be in danger.
Kris. He needed to kill tonight. He did poorly. can't see him making the finals.
having said that, voting is weird. anything can happen after 5.
Monday, May 4, 2009
running.
I went for a run today, covered a lot of ground. But luckily someone came by and helped me up.
I'll be here all week.
My spacebar is malfunctioning. That sucks very muchly. A lot of back spacing. it's cramping my style.
Actually I am improving my conditioning. I can probably only make it about a mile non-stop, but it's much more comfy. I'm running a total of two miles with a break or two mixed in. I'm getting out about three to four time a week lately. I should probably trim that back to two to three, but I'm going to go with it aslong as the motivation is with me.
Now if I'd get back on my diet and lose some weight.
I'll be here all week.
My spacebar is malfunctioning. That sucks very muchly. A lot of back spacing. it's cramping my style.
Actually I am improving my conditioning. I can probably only make it about a mile non-stop, but it's much more comfy. I'm running a total of two miles with a break or two mixed in. I'm getting out about three to four time a week lately. I should probably trim that back to two to three, but I'm going to go with it aslong as the motivation is with me.
Now if I'd get back on my diet and lose some weight.
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