eh.

It's been a month. I know I've been shirking my blogging duties. I'm sorry. It's just that i have nothing to say. I mean I do, but it just can't seem to find it's way loose from my noggin.

I can feel this bubbling gnawing angst building up, and it needs to say something. I've been waiting, and nothing. I think there have just been too many unexpected twists to the events of the past year, it's taking some time to come to grips with it all.


People that know me, or that think they do anyway, would know I've gone through a bit of crap. Some dark days. But oddly I've been very happy through most of it. As things got darker i got happier, I knew a new dawn was approaching and the darker it got the sooner the light would appear. More than that, a different day, one I hadn't seen before was on it's way. And now as the light is beginning to appear I'm feeling an odd sense of loss. I really can't explain it. Unexpected.

Oddly, my happiness has made me a bit toxic to a few. Again unexpected.

Maybe it's that I have to wait at least another year before I'm free to fly, and it's more like entering a sort of purgatory than moving on.

I've learned so much this past year; about myself, about others, where I fit, where i don't. While these narrower parameters should be of benefit when moving forward the truth is much much less then the imagined possibilities that held me down for so long. Try to make sense of that sentence.

You'd think choosing ones own path is perfect metaphor. Maybe too perfect as I travel with the same company. Unexpected.

I think also, when I began blogging I felt that there were people who needed to hear what was in my head. Somehow I thought sharing my thoughts, who I truly was might be beneficial, maybe even bring people closer in without having them here in my way. I think I was wrong about that. So now blogging seems just a little too self serving. I've never written for myself. Perhaps my writing would be better if I did.

Who knows what happens tomorrow right? I might write, I might not. Expect it.