A different place.

I'm at least half way done with this life. It's strange to know that, and be OK with it. When I turned 25 it felt a bit traumatic, like my youth was over. Christ I was half way to fifty!!!! And fifty was old. And now as I creep closer to fifty i don't feel so old. Sure I can't run as fast, and my body screams when I try, and yes the signs are all there, but my thoughts are new and better and more defined than ever before. Somehow despite the aging shell I feel younger and more vibrant than ever.

It's sad in a way that in our youth we live from the outside in, and everything we search for can only be accomplished living inside out. Some never learn, and most of us stumble upon it so late leaving us with too many 'if only's. How much wasted energies and opportunities were there trying to change who we are to fit what we are told we are, or should be. What might have been accomplished if we had lived authentically from the start. Lessons learned late. The good news is that it is never too late.

We are who we have become, our past is always now. What we have done are our memories. Memories can only exist in our hearts today. From that perspective we are always at the beginning. We have only now until the unknown. Every moment is truly an opportunity to make the rest of your life the best ever. In this way we never fail. We only begin anew. Every blink, breath, thought, touch and emotion is a new beginning. We are in a constant state of rebirth and renewal.

And this all leads here. It seems as if for most of my life I've been burdened by what I ought to be doing. That somehow there were roles, implied dreams and goals every male ought to have. The problem was, I didn't have them. But I firmly believed that I should have them. I tried, but in the end I always failed. The aspirations I thought I should have had just didn't take. I really didn't care if I succeeded. The prize meant nothing to me. Faking it just didn't work.

I was in a constant state of failure, it seems the furthur along I got the worse the over riding sense of failure and dissatisfaction in my life was. And indeed I was a failure. God made me a little different than others. Why? Who knows, some kind of a sick twisted joke I'm sure. But non the less, I was different. Moving in the direction I was headed was taking me further and further away from who I was, I was failing at being me. And in a big way. I was becoming nothing, meaningless, and useless.

But luck happened. My failure at being me imploded my relationship I was in, leaving me single. I was also laid off. I had time. I also stumbled upon a good book written quite a while ago. Sometimes you need to hear what you already know from someone else to accept it's truth. In this case the book did this for me. It convinced me I needed to stand still for a while, really take some time to figure out the truth of who I was. That no path could be successful without a starting point. Without the knowledge of who I was and what was important to me, I had no starting point and in truth no ending point. I would just wander, and never approach anything meaningful. The next point it drove home, is to concentrate on being who I am and let the path create itself. If I do a good job at living in the moment. If i do a good job bing true to myself the next footprint will appear, I merely would have to place my foot in it's imprint.

I believe this, if you allow yourself to grow the world will make room for you. It will clear a path for you. You are needed, but only as you are. And only you can discover who you truly are. And only you can find the courage to speak a little louder, a little more confidently and contribute as yourself and not some by product waste of the big machine. If you can do this the world will make room for you, because it needs you. It created you to be who you are, because it needs you to be. This world has gone to hell, because too few of us lack the courage to speak in our own voices, act with our own hearts and thoughts. And walk the path that only we can walk.