I can't stay here part II

So this looks like a double post but it's not.  I usually do my editing right on this blog and change the lyrics when I see fit but I'm taking a different approach.  The reason is two fold.  The first is that the whole point of the sneak peeks is to get some music on the words asap for you readers and to let you into my creative process a bit.  So I think it'll be better if I leave the original.  The second is that I have suscribers now and they get an email everytime I post.  Lucky them!!

The sneak peek is slow which is somewhat intentional.  It's easier for me to develop that way.  So the biggest change will be tempo.  But also the lyrics will change.  I don't know if they'll change much from this version to the end product.  Usually when I've done this edit it won't be until I start recording that I make more changes and they will be subtle and most of the time I don't even change the lyrics to reflect those changes.

In this song there are two things going on.  One is the need for cleansing, to be rid of the burdens that seem to get heaped on us until we can hardly function.  That is the going to California part.  But of course the singer needs a reason to go and that's the second part, the need to have some authenticity in our lives.  To have our true natures connected to what we are doing.  What is missing in the first set of lyrics is that I haven't connected the two concepts well.  It still works because the first part needs a motivating event and so we naturally accept the second, but unlike a movie you want the listener moving with you and not thinking ahead.  The story line in a song needs to unfold as opposed to twist.  In a book you provide the full story line and details and allow the reader to create the world around it.  In a song as I write them you create the colors of the world and give enough detail to allow the listener to create the rest on their own.  It's very tricky which is why so few songs are really great.  Many are very good. 

So here are the lyrics.  I will alter these as the song evolves although this might be the final now.  I'll listen more to the song and see if I can cut.  I like my songs under four minutes and I'm sitting at 6:49.  The tempo change will get it close to five, but I need to go deeper.  In this song the part about neverland and oz was the original concept and probably where I'll have to cut as it's cute but not necessary in its entirety, and that's a painful thing to do.  I'm going to try and avoid it.

Edit #3 
I've decided to keep the neverland/oz bit but that required I set it up a bit earlier.  I think these changes will tie it all together and make for a more complete story.

A Gypsy Denim Kiss
You were Stevie Nicks,
I was Mellencamp,
our Rock-n-Roll dreams
could always beat as one.

What fools we were.
What a fool I am.

I think I'll go to California
she'll know just what to do
the ocean air will run
right through
and take my sin
back to you.
I can't stay here,
with you.

I'll take the pick up truck
a little luck and my old guitar
with the dusty strings
the rest I leave for you

this life we made
that looks so good on you,
it's crushing me,
and i can hardly move.

I think I'll go to California
she'll know just what to do
I'll let her ocean air blow
right through
and take my sin
back to you.
I can't stay here,
with you.

I sold my gear, and cut my hair,
quit my band and took your hand,
I played the game the best I could

I traded my truths, for suits
and deals with some crooked dudes,
friendships for revenues.
I can't stay here
in this make believe land
I can't pretend
I'm your kind of man.

If you get close to neverland
won't you talk toTinkerbell
tell her this lost boy
has broken out of hell

maybe I'll grab a twister
and ride it up to OZ
shack up with someone wicked
and help her with her cause
But I can't stay here
in this make believe world

I can't pretend
You're my kind of girl.

I'm off to California
she'll know just what to do
I'll let her ocean air
run right through
and take my sin
back to you.
I can't stay here.