Too much sauerkraut, not good.

What a world. What a world.

Lucky for me I've been too broke since the divorce to be in the stock market. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your future slowly evaporate. I had hoped that I would turn the financial corner at some point and catch up with the rest of my generation. But now I see that they will be brought down to me.

So, I cheated again. I've actually been out running a couple of times. Not very far, maybe a half mile. Just wanted to limber up in anticipation of my inevitable resumption. Two more weeks I should be there. It felt good to actually get some exercise. Not while I was doing it, but you know, after...way after.

So, I've been very uncreative. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Not unmotivated, just not wanting to create something new. I've been playing a lot of guitar. Fingers are coming back quite nicely, although plenty sore.

I think I'm just getting rather comfy in my new settings. I'm really just feeling OK with just being right now. and I think that's OK. Waiting for the mood to strike. The inspiration. I know it's coming I can feel it. And so I'll just ground myself a bit and let it take hold. I don't know what will happen then, nothing major, but something.

If you pay attention to the right hand column you'll see that I snuck a quick read in. A book I didn't know I had. Imagine that. Written in 1987, it's kinda this new age, existential thing. The main points were in support of some of the things I've been writing and talking about. When you're open to the message, you'll hear it right? Basically, the idea was that you need to find out what the essence of yourself is, and then self actualize based on that model. That's a rather severe paraphrasing but you get the point. I think for me, and for a lot of people, its rather difficult to find a way to express your true nature. It's through that expression that you can create an avenue to self actualize. This is what I'm thinking about, how to get engaged in things that reflect who I am. For too long, what I'm best at, and what I have most to offer this world has been closed off to me. My own fault sure, but just as I created my own universe it's within my power to change it too, don't you think.

So something key, at least for me, is to seek out the first step while ignoring searching for a path. Just do something that fits, even small.

An excerpt from "Remember Your Essence" by Paul Williams:

Take the first step
the first step is always perfect
as long as you are ready to take the step that follows it
Only by taking the first step
can you take the step that follows it.

and another:

in this life
we find our way
by following each step with another

Take a step
and follow it

If you start to see a path emerging,
Ignore it.

Do not follow a path
follow your own footprints
your path will create itself