Floating

For most of my life I've been floating. Adrift. Never really connected to anything. Always in transition. Much of that has to do with my childhood. Moving around, not really being able to depend on the grownups in my life for stability and support. so I guess very early, I'd say about four I simply let go. I've been floating ever since.

Now I've been tied to a buoy or two now and then, but still adrift.

For much of my life I've had this need to connect put some roots down, fit in, be a fine upstanding young man, and maybe then I'd do, complete myself i guess. but sometime in the last few years I've lost that drive. I just want to float. to drift. It's really causing me problems because that's not what you're suppose to do. In fact this was at the heart of my recent breakup. I just don't care about stuff, careers and having any more money than it takes to be happy. Because that effort makes me very unhappy. It was getting harder and harder to apply myself in an effort i simply didn't believe was fruitful for me. And so if i am to change in a way that makes me happy then I'll need to be true to myself. And so i will float. And that is what i want to do. And it's compounded by the simple fact that I can.

In essence to be blunt. I'm done. I don't like the game, it doesn't like me. i don't see the need to play. Mostly this is what I've been pondering. And so this is my announcement. There will be no future career. Quite frankly I should have done this thirty years ago.

Oh and buy a comfy couch.