Sticking Out

I'm unique. Not saying it's good. It just is. But I've never stood out becuase of it. You had to get in my space a little to experience it. Other than that I've meshed in quite well. And that's the way I like it.

Now, I'm getting older and I find my self single again. I like being by myself, on my own. Always wanted it, never had it. Yet at the same time, it's a very unnatural situation for me. I've never gone more than a few weeks at a time without a woman close by. Luckily it's always been fairly easy for me to meet people. So here I am pretty much where I'd like to be right now and yet I find myself gravitating towards the online match sites. Mostly out of boredom, even though I know where that leads. I think I'd really like to just have a girlfriend. But is that even possible these days?

So while I would really like to meet some people to hang out with and maybe even a little romance type thing, I don't think I know how to kinda be involved with someone. You see it in the movies, but does that really ever happen. Now it's worse, every woman has a plan. Nothing can just be. I grew up with this weird notion that love was a living thing in and of itself. Much like creating a baby. Throw in a little love juice and an egg, incubate a little and something new and unlike anything before emerges. Nope, not anymore. Now, you do this, I'll do that, we'll get married here at this point in time and if we work really hard at it maybe it won't suck so bad. Well the first plan made it suck and aborted the real possibilities.

So I'm stuck, wanting something that should naturally exist, cursed with what seems to naturally occur from that. nature blows.

And for the first time in my life, I'm actually worried that I may never find someone. Not because they're not out there, but because I think I'm running out of time. There's something that seems to happen to women at my age, that I'm not at all attracted to. Yes, I know, I'm shallow. But it's hard to imagine a connection without that attraction.

I can't accept my age, and the women I'm suppose to want. I can't accept what is prescribed. But every day that passes reduces options, possibilities.

In my brain I'm not 45. I don't see the world from the eyes of a 45 year old. But yet I am closer to 50 than 40. People my age are old. I am not old. I'm starting to stick out.